Posted 20:01 by Tycho

Alright, I goit my first passing grade in Stress Analysis!!! WOOT!!! Sure, it's only a 70%, but thats the highest grade I've gotten so far in this hellish course. Sometimes I wish someone would just shoot me. The scary thing is, sometimes I think I'd be better off, and so would the world.

I haven't been able to see some of my friends for weeks. I miss all you guys and gals, I pray I see you all again soon.

My mental state is fine, no matter what I write here in my Blog. The Blog is a bitching place, informational place, and take time and relax place. Three for the price of one! Everything I write here is true, I don't leave anything out. I don't mean to be an asshole, but sometimes thoughts pass through my mind, and I have nothing to hide from you guys, and so I put them down here. If you condemn me for them, well I'm being honest, and thats your problem, not mine.

This Saturday I will probably be going to the Higgin's Armory Falconry demonstration. I think I said that in last night's post, but I can't remember, today has been a long, long day.

And its official, I am suffering from depression. No, I didn't need to go to a shrink for that one. I made that diagnosis myself. My prognosis? A very good one. Should be out of this retarded mood after I get some sleep. Its a combination of class, the ass-hard material being covered, the endless hours of homework, and the rare instances of being able to hang out with friends is affecting my mental state. I'm running on the edge. About to go crazy. About all that has been keeping me from having a mental and emotional breakdown is my faith in God, and my friends here and back home.

I think I almost had a breakdown either yesterday or the day before. My memory is slipping. Too much, its all too much. I don't need professional help (well, I do, and have needed it for years :-P), but I am afraid that some day I'm just going to lose it and just break down all of a sudden. I'm at the breaking point. And there is over 5 weeks of class to go.

I must apologize to all of you for my actions. There is no excuse for any of the feelings I've felt or the things I've said or done that may have been harmful. The reasons are there, but there are no excuses, I will not hide behind them. I should be in full control of my actions and thoughts at all times. I'm sorry for not being able to control myself at times.

There, after ranting about that I feel much much better, and in better control of my life.

And after rereading this post (I've actually edited it a few times, due to shifting emotional states and because what I was thinking and what I had typed didn't agree), I've realized that there is some REALLY good material for my creative writing course. I'm going to have to expand upon it. Sadly, its a true story, but if I can't poke fun at myself and write about it, then who am I? I'd be an empty shell that deserves to be killed off for being stupid and emotionless.

Now, speaking about emotionless. I am VERY glad I am feeling this way. Why, you might ask? Well, it means that I am alive. Feeling defines who we are, it defines our character, in fact our very being itself!

A Star Wars novel I read a couple of years ago summed it nicely (paraphrasing): "if there were no pain, then how would we know we are alive? There aren't many religions that have unpleasant afterlives..."

We should all be thankful for the feelings we have, good or bad. They give us character and introduce depth into our lives.

I wonder why I always go off on boring tangents like that...well, its not like many people read entire blog entries anyways, so I guess it doesn't matter. I needed to get it off my chest, and I needed to vent. This place seemed as good a place as any, because anyone who reads it can stop reading it at any time without feeling obligated to let me finish talking.

Wow, I told myself that I'd stop at 2100 hours and start reading...

I'll post something later, bye.