Posted 11:09 by Tycho

First off, Chris, no, I didn't take insult from your Blog from when you mentioned me. You summed everything pretty well, in my opinion. In fact, if you called me a retarded monkey, that wouldn't insult me either, because it is true.

From the rest of your post that night, it sounds like you got seriously pissed off. And I gather it's either because you got 2 hours of sleep because you were talking to me, or it was Chuck's one-track mind humiliating you in front of a few female friends. And by knowing you, talking to me only mildly annoyed you. Dealing with Chuck's one-track mind infuriates you to know end at times.

Yeah. I'm one f*cked up dude. Not so long story, but I'm not going to put it here, because I don't feel like mentally reliving it. If you care to know about it, then ask me.

Hell, I talked to Duncan for about an hour about it, and that didn't do much for me [not from lack of help, but from me being a anxious retarded paranoid monkey fuck].

This world sucks, I hate my life. Etc., etc., etc. Same bullshit I've been saying the past couple months. Don't you guys get bored and tired of it? Well, no shit. How the fuck do you think I feel about it?

Anyways, I'm going to try and get a ride to UMass Memorial later. I don't give a shit anymore. If I need anti-depressants until I get the ground under my feet again, then thats what I need. I'm damned tired of perpetual falling. It's about fucking time I put my feet back under me, stand up, and brush myself off. If I need help doing it, then so be it.


Ok, that didn't make me feel better, but now I'm in a rage, and I can deal with rage...much unlike sadness and being depressed.

I don't want to talk about yesterday. I hated almost every minute of it. The only thing I enjoyed was getting picked up in the morning.

Well, I'll talk about the very end of it, after all this shit happened. Yeah, so I talked to Duncan. I hate doing that, because it made him late getting home to Mrs. Johnson and Dante. But it got me away from the pseudo-suicidal phase I was in. I'm very much in his debt.

I would've waited until today, but he probably won't be showing up tonight, and so I didn't know if I'd last until today. The only thing that is keeping me going, and not giving up on everthing [much as I feel like it] is sheer willpower. Not so much determination [I'm not working to get anywhere, I'm just trying to hold on and not be flung loose]. And I will hold on, because my willpower is never exhausted. That's because I draw my willpower from my friends, and their love and support is never-ending, so therefore, it is infinite.

Not eating a whole lot the past week probably didn't help me [the biggest meal I've had was last night at Barber's Crossing, and that was just picking at a couple appetizers]. Getting severely dehydrated also probably wasn't a good thing.

Eating at Barber's Crossing is getting ahead of myself though. Dave gave me a ride, and he offered to listen to what is messing up my life. So I gave him the short version. After that I realized that keeping it bottled up is NOT a good thing, in fact, it just makes it much much worse, because then it eats away at you.

So yeah, we got to Barber's Crossing, and we sat down as latecomers [the rest of the crew was already there]. Waiter missed taking Cheech's drink order twice. Our table of five [Dave, Meg, Kathy, Cheech, me] ordered 4 appetizers [jalapeno poppers, chicken fingers/tenders, onion rings, and deluxe nachos]. It was good. The only reason I could eat there was because being with them made me feel good, rather than feeling like shit, like I had been a half hour earlier. Didn't eat a whole lot, definitely not enough to make up for the past few days.

Then Dave drove me back to F15. I owe him, too, as well as Duncan.

Promised Ron I'd play Yuri's Revenge. Then noticed I needed to reinstall RA2 and YR. And the installer not responding to the mouse or keyboard delayed me severely. And then YR would get to 3% then stall. So, needless to say, Ron and I did not play last night. Not that I was going to be good company, in any case.

So yeah, had a talk with God [would have been much longer, had my body not fallen unconcious due to exhaustion].

Today is not shaping up to be much better [again, if you want to know why, you can ask, I'm not going to put it here because I need to feel good for the rest of the academic day, so I can concentrate].

Alright, today's agenda. As soon as I'm done bitching and whining and moaning and groaning and being all depressed and sorry for myself and this "my life sucks" bullshit, I'm going to do reading for Cognitive Thinking. Then off to Thermodynamics. After that, I'm going to read chapter 2 in the thermo book, and attempt to solve the problem due Thursday. Coach said it wouldn't be too difficult, but Russ just walked in here and asked for my Statics book, and I also know it involves a spring [which complicates things to no end, in some cases].

At 1800, I'm off to the Wedge to meet to go eat something, though I'll probably end up not going out to supper with them.

Thing about myself that I hate: being sensitive. It sucks. I was told that being sensitive was better than being callous...and I think that is bollocks.

Solution: something I'm not ready to do: give up. I never give up, I never stop trying. The only true defeat comes from lack of effort.

And for those of you who wonder why I bitch and moan here, it's because this is my life. I don't write things down here for fun, I write them down because that is what I have been up to, feeling, etc. I don't lie in here. I don't need to, I've got nothing to hide from any of you. If this Blog gets you to hate me...tough shit, I guess I didn't mean all that much to you, so you can go bugger off.

Now, let's end this on a Red vs. Blue quote [watch Episode 8, then Episode 14, and you'll understand what is going on].


Church: "What the? Where'd my body go? Oh, you've got to be kidding me!"

Caboose: "Tucker did it!"