Posted 17:15 by Tycho

Again, I must cast doubt on my mental stability. Not only does stress get even harder and more insane (heh, heh...insane) than it was before, but I'm getting really f*cked up in the head.

I didn't feel like eating at all today, but I forced myself to have something. Big mistake on my part. Ugh.

I don't know how to explain this story. There doesn't seem to be a beginning, nor an end. Only a long, drawn out, painful middle, that I can't get out of, no matter how hard I try. Maybe I the smartest way to do this is to just not try. But then I'll just remain in this state of misery. I need to try. I'll never give up.

I've been doing my best to get out of this box for the past few weeks...all my efforts have failed, gone to waste. Nothing I do seems to help, but everything I do just makes all of it worse. I don't know what to do, how to do it, or anything. I don't really know who to trust anymore. Are they telling me the truth? Lying to me? I don't know. There's no way I can know.

So here's what I've done today: woke up...unfortunately it was early (someone set there alarm for like 8 or something, and then just kept hitting snooze repeatedly, drove me mad...well, more than I had been already). Had a minor anxiety/panic attack. Played Black Thorn with roommates, trying to relax. Suffered another anxiety attack that lasted for several hours. Still have it, right now, honestly, but its more depression than anxiety now. Feeling worthless. I had been on the verge of a nervous breakdown last night. So very close, it was like walking a wire that was spanning the Grand Canyon. Did that once, and I have no wish to repeat that experience.

I took a mental health screening last night. The results indicated that I am most likely suffering from depression and severe general anxiety disorder.

I think I owe it to myself, my friends, family, everyone, that I go down to the West Street House tomorrow, and go get some counselling for this. I'm tired of being an ass to my friends, doubting them, sick of feeling miserable, all this anxiety, panicking, and paranoia. I thought I could do it on my own. I was wrong. I need help, and I'm going to get it, because I'm determined to get all this shit done and over with.

Once I'm better, THEN I can make true amends. Hopefully...I'm not sure I can fix everything up...I've pulled too much shit, I've been too much of an ass. I'm extremely afraid that those who've I talked to will no longer want to be my friends...I would understand it if that happened...and thats the reason I've been pretty tight lipped about everything, and I let it bottle up. I'm afraid.

And to those I have talked to: you still don't really know much about whats going on. I wish I could let it all out and get it out for good, but I have too much fear.

Thank God for the friends and family that I've got. Without them, life would not be worth living.