Mechanical engineer, material scientist. Loves to run, play billiards, swim, and be outdoors.
Friend's Blogs:
Tycho's Training Log
Chris
Nick
Mike
Ron
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Wednesday, December 31, 2003
Feeling a bit better now...not better better, but I'm not tasting dinner a second time, either.
Maybe my mother is right, maybe I should go see a doctor about it. This is not like me at all...I used to never be depressed, no matter what the circumstances...I was always so hyper and active and all that jazz. Its bordering on my truely thinking I have a medical condition (clinical depression). I'm sorry that I let it intrude into my relationships with people...and ruining some of them. Bah.
Actually, I started writing a campaign, and that helped me feel better. Then I talked to a couple friends (wicked awesome, as always).
Aye, and now its off to read a little "D-Day" by Stephen E. Ambrose before I get some much needed rack time.
Good night all! And fare ye well!!!
Maybe my mother is right, maybe I should go see a doctor about it. This is not like me at all...I used to never be depressed, no matter what the circumstances...I was always so hyper and active and all that jazz. Its bordering on my truely thinking I have a medical condition (clinical depression). I'm sorry that I let it intrude into my relationships with people...and ruining some of them. Bah.
Actually, I started writing a campaign, and that helped me feel better. Then I talked to a couple friends (wicked awesome, as always).
Aye, and now its off to read a little "D-Day" by Stephen E. Ambrose before I get some much needed rack time.
Good night all! And fare ye well!!!
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Good evening...or not so good...I don't know.
Day started off exceptionally well (except for the 0900 wakeup).
Got my new harddrive installed fine (took two tries, though), and friends came over.
We watched "The Gamer's" DVD I got for Christmas, which was wickedly funny. Then we decided to pull a D&D campaign out of our asses...well, Ron's ass, at least, and he made a mission up right on the spot, on the fly, and was able to incorporate "Risk" to an extent. Then we got frustrated with that damned steel golem.
Calzones were extremely good.
Then the bad stuff kicked in. About an hour ago, an intense depression gripped me, and still does. It was so bad that I got to taste just how good the calzone was a second time (*hint hint*). All of you know what its about. I'm tired of bitching about it here. You all know. Some of you care, others don't. A BIG BIG thank you goes out to those who do care. I've been relatively depression free for almost a week now...why the hell did it hit me now? Bah, I'm done with bitching about it in my Blog (well, for tonight, at least). Life sucks.
I did say that I'd make a D&D mission for my friends, so I ought to get busy with that for a while and see how that goes...I might Blog a little bit later...hopefully in a much better mood.
Day started off exceptionally well (except for the 0900 wakeup).
Got my new harddrive installed fine (took two tries, though), and friends came over.
We watched "The Gamer's" DVD I got for Christmas, which was wickedly funny. Then we decided to pull a D&D campaign out of our asses...well, Ron's ass, at least, and he made a mission up right on the spot, on the fly, and was able to incorporate "Risk" to an extent. Then we got frustrated with that damned steel golem.
Calzones were extremely good.
Then the bad stuff kicked in. About an hour ago, an intense depression gripped me, and still does. It was so bad that I got to taste just how good the calzone was a second time (*hint hint*). All of you know what its about. I'm tired of bitching about it here. You all know. Some of you care, others don't. A BIG BIG thank you goes out to those who do care. I've been relatively depression free for almost a week now...why the hell did it hit me now? Bah, I'm done with bitching about it in my Blog (well, for tonight, at least). Life sucks.
I did say that I'd make a D&D mission for my friends, so I ought to get busy with that for a while and see how that goes...I might Blog a little bit later...hopefully in a much better mood.
GOOD MORNING. ALL BLOGATEERS REPORT FOR PT AT 0600. REPEAT ALL BLOGATEERS REPORT FOR PT AT 0600.
Tonight's activities were as follows:
1500: Driven to Wollaston T.
1630: Arrive at FAO Schwartz. Tried (and was partially successful) at walking on stilts.
1715: Chuck leaves to go watch stupid movie ("Paycheck") with Bill, Mike C., and Martin.
In the meantime, we walk up and down Newbury...getting accosted by homeless gentlemen with no desire other than to get drunk.
We went into the Barracks...possibly the coolest store known to man. I forgot to check the price on the M-1 Garand bayonet I was thinking of buying (8" double-sided blade)...and I avoided getting trapped in the French paratrooper helmet, this time, as well.
I ended up picking up an official field manual entitled: "Combatives: Hand to Hand Combat". Now, some of you don't understand my obsession with the subject. Neither do I. It is the most primal sort of instinct, I guess.
I sort of scared myself while reading the different forms of killing people in unarmed and armed hand to hand combat. Reason? Because I was taught almost every single combat joint-lock and technique in the book, from bare handed fighting, to knife fighting, to fighting with sticks or combat with lengths of rope. I've had 10 years of training in hand to hand combat...the later years of which were under the instruction of a former Navy SEAL.
Unfortunately, I've started to lose my edge with it all...I need to find a new place to train. My obsession with martial arts is starting to come back.
After that, we milled around the area (went to Urban Outfitters beforehand...freaky store). We loitered in Newbury Comics for a bit.
Oh, and much to our surprise (and disappointment), we were not able to go for our coup de grace: getting kicked out of 4 Brookstones. There are two of them at Copley place...one at Faneuil Hall, and one another place (can't remember). We were going to try for all four...but despite our best efforts, we couldn't get even get kicked out of the first one...so we sort of gave up on that pursuit.
Movie had gotten out, and despite knowing we were going out to eat, they ate at a Mickey D's. So we headed back the way we came to go to "The Pour House"...about a half hour walk. What we didn't know is that its 21+ only. So we ended up eating at Chiles. Marky commented on how all the waiters there were gay...right when the guy was behind him. Way to go, man.
I had Country Fried Chicken ($8.49). Chris had the tuna sandwich ($6.99). Ron had a tuna steak ($8.99)...the plate was made so that it looked like an island (it was served on top of rice, and was surrounded by a sea of sauce). Nick had some sort of chicken pasta dish (..crap...can't remember the price...). Both Marky and Chuck had the ribs (2 x $13.99 = $27.98). We also ordered the Triple Play appetizer, which was good...not worth the price (~$8.67), though.
Then it was a long trek back home...with much scally cap slapping due to my being depre--down and out.
Tonight was a fun night. Hopefully there will be many more to come. Good night.
Tonight's activities were as follows:
1500: Driven to Wollaston T.
1630: Arrive at FAO Schwartz. Tried (and was partially successful) at walking on stilts.
1715: Chuck leaves to go watch stupid movie ("Paycheck") with Bill, Mike C., and Martin.
In the meantime, we walk up and down Newbury...getting accosted by homeless gentlemen with no desire other than to get drunk.
We went into the Barracks...possibly the coolest store known to man. I forgot to check the price on the M-1 Garand bayonet I was thinking of buying (8" double-sided blade)...and I avoided getting trapped in the French paratrooper helmet, this time, as well.
I ended up picking up an official field manual entitled: "Combatives: Hand to Hand Combat". Now, some of you don't understand my obsession with the subject. Neither do I. It is the most primal sort of instinct, I guess.
I sort of scared myself while reading the different forms of killing people in unarmed and armed hand to hand combat. Reason? Because I was taught almost every single combat joint-lock and technique in the book, from bare handed fighting, to knife fighting, to fighting with sticks or combat with lengths of rope. I've had 10 years of training in hand to hand combat...the later years of which were under the instruction of a former Navy SEAL.
Unfortunately, I've started to lose my edge with it all...I need to find a new place to train. My obsession with martial arts is starting to come back.
After that, we milled around the area (went to Urban Outfitters beforehand...freaky store). We loitered in Newbury Comics for a bit.
Oh, and much to our surprise (and disappointment), we were not able to go for our coup de grace: getting kicked out of 4 Brookstones. There are two of them at Copley place...one at Faneuil Hall, and one another place (can't remember). We were going to try for all four...but despite our best efforts, we couldn't get even get kicked out of the first one...so we sort of gave up on that pursuit.
Movie had gotten out, and despite knowing we were going out to eat, they ate at a Mickey D's. So we headed back the way we came to go to "The Pour House"...about a half hour walk. What we didn't know is that its 21+ only. So we ended up eating at Chiles. Marky commented on how all the waiters there were gay...right when the guy was behind him. Way to go, man.
I had Country Fried Chicken ($8.49). Chris had the tuna sandwich ($6.99). Ron had a tuna steak ($8.99)...the plate was made so that it looked like an island (it was served on top of rice, and was surrounded by a sea of sauce). Nick had some sort of chicken pasta dish (..crap...can't remember the price...). Both Marky and Chuck had the ribs (2 x $13.99 = $27.98). We also ordered the Triple Play appetizer, which was good...not worth the price (~$8.67), though.
Then it was a long trek back home...with much scally cap slapping due to my being depre--down and out.
Tonight was a fun night. Hopefully there will be many more to come. Good night.
Sunday, December 28, 2003
Good night/Good morning, fellow Bloggerians!
Today's events: Rudely woken up at 12 by my father. Can't a guy recover from an all night Red Alert II marathon? Well, at least Ron and I have the satisfaction of finally beating that insanely annoying campaign. Allies: 1, Soviets: 0.
I started to read "D-Day" by Stephen E. Ambrose, in order to prepare for my upcoming sufficiency project. It is a VERY slow read, despite being extremely interesting. I'll sit down for an hour and chug through it, then realize I've only read 30 pages...(I average between 50-80 pages/hour for books). Yes, it's [obviously] military history...but it is the single day that shaped the rest of the 20th century. 6 divisions of Allied troops in the first wave of the assault, facing off against the ~60 German divisions, including several elite Wehrmacht units (352nd Inf., for instance). If D-Day had not occured, many more young men and civilians would have died because the war would have become prolonged. In fact, the Allies might have been defeated had they not taken the gamble.
Alright, enough of that. So I read that for a while, ate some breakfast (well...lunch rather), and read it more afterwards. I got on the computer and started to play some Red Alert II (single player campaign).
Then there was much food...leftover turkey and the trimmings...mmmmmmmm....stuffing. And I literally stuffed my face.
Many kudos, Chief, I'd have been bored all day had it not been for your generous hospitality. It was a good game of Risk. First time I've played with Mark and seen him lose. Or, to be more truthful, on the verge of losing (there was a dispute about how cannons can move, and we then decided to end the game and focus our undivided attention to "Spaced", a hilarious British comedy).
"Spaced" is awesome. Its awesomeness is unapproachable by sitcom standards. It's so awesome, that I am also awesome, just from sheer osmosis. Though I'm awesome, anyways, but this just bolsters my personal awesome "awesomeness" reserve.
I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense. But to me it does. After an entire bag of those sugar coated candied orange slices...the super duper sugar infused ones. Currently, I'm on this HUGE sugar high...which will only lead to a devastating fall in my blood sugar level later...hopefully I'll be horizontal (and asleep!) before that happens.
Whoa...ok, this is sort of weird. For the past few months, I've noticed, that if I hold my hands out, they shake uncontrollably (not much, but they're never still). But now that I have this MASSIVE infusion of sugar, when I hold them out, they don't shake AT ALL...not one bit. Ok, that was a really crazy observation by me.
Maybe large amounts of sugar calms me down, just as drinking coffee helps me get to sleep (seriously).
Tomorrow I need a hair cut. My hair is so thick/long now that when I take my scally cap off, I've got this really pronounced "dent" in my hair. Not a problem when around the house, but it is when I'm at, say, Jillian's, where they force us to take all caps and hats off due to dress code. Women don't look to highly upon young gentlemen with dented hair. It just looks weird. Not that women have looked to highly upon me anyways (as of yet!), but hey, I've got to do my best.
Ok, I'm going to shut up now because I can actually FEEL the sugar running through my veins...and my head kinda feels like its pulsing...
Good night everyone!
Today's events: Rudely woken up at 12 by my father. Can't a guy recover from an all night Red Alert II marathon? Well, at least Ron and I have the satisfaction of finally beating that insanely annoying campaign. Allies: 1, Soviets: 0.
I started to read "D-Day" by Stephen E. Ambrose, in order to prepare for my upcoming sufficiency project. It is a VERY slow read, despite being extremely interesting. I'll sit down for an hour and chug through it, then realize I've only read 30 pages...(I average between 50-80 pages/hour for books). Yes, it's [obviously] military history...but it is the single day that shaped the rest of the 20th century. 6 divisions of Allied troops in the first wave of the assault, facing off against the ~60 German divisions, including several elite Wehrmacht units (352nd Inf., for instance). If D-Day had not occured, many more young men and civilians would have died because the war would have become prolonged. In fact, the Allies might have been defeated had they not taken the gamble.
Alright, enough of that. So I read that for a while, ate some breakfast (well...lunch rather), and read it more afterwards. I got on the computer and started to play some Red Alert II (single player campaign).
Then there was much food...leftover turkey and the trimmings...mmmmmmmm....stuffing. And I literally stuffed my face.
Many kudos, Chief, I'd have been bored all day had it not been for your generous hospitality. It was a good game of Risk. First time I've played with Mark and seen him lose. Or, to be more truthful, on the verge of losing (there was a dispute about how cannons can move, and we then decided to end the game and focus our undivided attention to "Spaced", a hilarious British comedy).
"Spaced" is awesome. Its awesomeness is unapproachable by sitcom standards. It's so awesome, that I am also awesome, just from sheer osmosis. Though I'm awesome, anyways, but this just bolsters my personal awesome "awesomeness" reserve.
I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense. But to me it does. After an entire bag of those sugar coated candied orange slices...the super duper sugar infused ones. Currently, I'm on this HUGE sugar high...which will only lead to a devastating fall in my blood sugar level later...hopefully I'll be horizontal (and asleep!) before that happens.
Whoa...ok, this is sort of weird. For the past few months, I've noticed, that if I hold my hands out, they shake uncontrollably (not much, but they're never still). But now that I have this MASSIVE infusion of sugar, when I hold them out, they don't shake AT ALL...not one bit. Ok, that was a really crazy observation by me.
Maybe large amounts of sugar calms me down, just as drinking coffee helps me get to sleep (seriously).
Tomorrow I need a hair cut. My hair is so thick/long now that when I take my scally cap off, I've got this really pronounced "dent" in my hair. Not a problem when around the house, but it is when I'm at, say, Jillian's, where they force us to take all caps and hats off due to dress code. Women don't look to highly upon young gentlemen with dented hair. It just looks weird. Not that women have looked to highly upon me anyways (as of yet!), but hey, I've got to do my best.
Ok, I'm going to shut up now because I can actually FEEL the sugar running through my veins...and my head kinda feels like its pulsing...
Good night everyone!
Saturday, December 27, 2003
I am the CHAMPION!!! Went 9-1 (that loss is a fluke! it was "bubble hockey" for cripe's sake!) today.
Made the BIGGEST comeback ever in bowling (candlepin...no ten pin places around). I had a total of 7 pins in the first two boxes...but I ended up getting 101 total...thanks to a spare-strike-spare combination :-D.
Foosball...Bill and I swept Chuck and Brian. I told you, spinning doesn't help you, it just means you're a sucky player.
Table Tennis: Swept this, though Bill put up one helluva fight, and almost had it (I won, 15-13).
Bubble Hockey: 1-1...damn, that thing is hard to play.
Pool: 2-0 (was there any other possible outcome? hehehe)
CONVERSATION OF THE NIGHT (and since it involved Chuck, you should know what it was about...this is slightly editted):
Chuck: "So you'll be getting one when Bill and I will be getting ten...thats ok, so long as its fine with you."
Me: "Well, whatev--" [got cutoff by Brian]
Brian: "Chuck, you'll be lucky if you get a dick."
Needless to say, we all nearly fell to the ground from laughing so hard...well, all of us except Chuck.
Made the BIGGEST comeback ever in bowling (candlepin...no ten pin places around). I had a total of 7 pins in the first two boxes...but I ended up getting 101 total...thanks to a spare-strike-spare combination :-D.
Foosball...Bill and I swept Chuck and Brian. I told you, spinning doesn't help you, it just means you're a sucky player.
Table Tennis: Swept this, though Bill put up one helluva fight, and almost had it (I won, 15-13).
Bubble Hockey: 1-1...damn, that thing is hard to play.
Pool: 2-0 (was there any other possible outcome? hehehe)
CONVERSATION OF THE NIGHT (and since it involved Chuck, you should know what it was about...this is slightly editted):
Chuck: "So you'll be getting one when Bill and I will be getting ten...thats ok, so long as its fine with you."
Me: "Well, whatev--" [got cutoff by Brian]
Brian: "Chuck, you'll be lucky if you get a dick."
Needless to say, we all nearly fell to the ground from laughing so hard...well, all of us except Chuck.
Merry Christmas...well, late that is.
It was a good one for me...got enough coal to keep fires burning for the rest of the winter, so I'll stay warm.
Ate so much food that I thought I would burst. Great times with my family, as well.
Today started off great. Ended on a very, very depressing note.
Get a call at 0930 hours (rudely awoken, I must add!) from Chris. So I grudgingly get my lazy ass out of bed and find out that we're going to go to Harvard Square today to go to stores and see what cool shit we can find. Ron comes onto the scene early (well, he said 45 minutes, but he was there in 25), and we had an amusing cell phone gig going on for a bit. Then my hands started to turn a bluish purple from the cold, and got slightly swollen (first signs of frostbite). Needless to say, that conversation was quickly ended and my hands shoved into my pockets, jerking madly to keep the blood flowing swiftly.
So we make it onto the train alright...and lo and behold, we have the dubious "pleasure" of sitting next to this fucking madman. He starts bitching at a young woman for no damned reason, and gets all in her face about some stupid little thing then tells her to go fuck off as she got off at her stop. What a fucking asshole.
Note: when on the T, you quickly learn to mind your own business. The last person who decided to help someone else received a bullet to the heart. Plus the guy was clearly mentally ill/challenged. You don't mess with people like that. He kept it to words. If he made any part of it physical, then we would have had an obligation to get involved. We may be cowards for not trying to make the guy stop being retarded, but we're live cowards, and the worst the woman got was the lingering memory of meeting that fucking asshole on the T.
We get to Newbury Comics...and I'm sort of bored...not much for me to do there...so I read a comic...and realized why I try and avoid that store as much as possible.
Then onto another store...I forget what it is. It was pretty cool. Had all these sci-fi and fantasy novels. Awesome place. Yes, I'm a geek. No need to rub it in. After that we went to Urban Outfitters...I have not yet seen a stranger retail venue...I mean, seriously, what the fuck?! Chris, I'm VERY glad that book wasn't one of those "flip out" ones...else you'd get some VERY strange stares...and that book about Revenge...it wasn't Revenge...just half naked women. And how the fuck were we not able to get that damned Atari to work?!? For goodness sakes we're ENGINEERS DAMNIT! Well, to our credit, we DID eventually get it to work...but then I realized just how much Atari's graphics SUCKED. I mean, I could draw better with my--never mind, enough of that thought.
[I was going to say "right hand", but I decided to add some suspense and mystery to it, and my knowledge that some of you have sick minds only aided me in my cause.]
Then we scrambled to Quincy Center and ate at that Indian place. Wicked awesome buffet. Definitely going back there someday. Then Chris had to go see ROTK again...lucky bastard. Meanwhile, Ron and I hitchhiked home, and he reinstalled Red Alert 2 on his computer, and we played an online campaign together...and got our asses handed to us on several occasions. Well, more than several. More like almost all the time. Then we both get frustrated, and leave.
This is where the night turns depressing. Not only am I frustrated at being completely retarded, but I'm about to absorb some major hurt. [Warning: Partial Rant ahead! If you got tired of me bitching for the past few weeks, read no further! This is your first, last, and ONLY warning!]
[Space Inserted so You Don't View Following Paragraphs by Accident]
[Tertiary Note: Alot of times I can't accurately put to words what I'm feeling, so please bear with me]
[Quarternary Note: Just here to prove that I know one step beyond tertiary.]
I'm extremely glad I wasn't informed of this on Christmas...would have ruined the special day I was having (no, I didn't get to ride on the short bus), and would have just destroyed me.
Josh and Jen are now officially going out...as of December 25, 2003. A late Christmas present for me, I guess. Ho ho...Merry fucking Christmas.
Yes, I know this makes me sound REALLY selfish and jealous. Everyone is selfish, and you're darned tootin' I'm jealous (and that scares me...I never felt this sort of jealousy before). They're both friends, and I'm happy that they are strengthening the relationship between them. I do mean that.
It just hurts a damn lot [did I also mention that I'm jealous?]
Now, its not like it blindsided me...for one, I've known from several different sources that they were planning on going out relatively soon. Its just that Jen is the most amazing woman I've had the honor, privilege, and pleasure of ever meeting. I won't type any of the details up, for I'm sure if you read my Blog, I've told you [in person]. Plus I'd probably have some waterworks from typing that, too. Might as well save myself some pride and dignity. And then there's the off-chance that Jen or Josh reads my Blog. Shit...if they do, I'm really fucked...
Ok, now to come clean. Since knowing this, I've done my very best to avoid contact with Jen. For the past week or so, I've made sure not to IM her, or e-mail her, what not. I can't say the past couple weeks, because I did call her and leave a message on her cell phone...but other than that, I've been flat out avoiding her. I need time to get over her, the pain, everything (just because I passed Stress doesn't mean its over with...its slowly going away). She says she wants me as a friend, and I believe her (finally...way to go, fucktard). Right now, I can't be her friend, much as I'd love to be. When I think of her, I think of her as more than a friend. She's not interested in me, so thats not going to happen. I need to get over that before I can be a true friend again. Bah, here we go with the waterworks...so much for saving my pride and dignity.
She's contacted me a couple times (surprisingly...not used to that anymore...we haven't really talked in a long time), and I'm kicking myself because I sort of blew her off each time...including Christmas (I wasn't such a fucktard not to say Merry Christmas and make some conversation, but, honestly, I didn't really want to start talking to her again...I wasn't ready to...I'm still not ready to). Way to show courtesy and kindness and general Holiday cheer, retard.
Not that her effort was wasted. Her going out of her way to contact me gave me hope that we can go back to being good friends, given time, once I'm ready.
The reason why I blew her off was this: if I don't get space, I won't be able to get over this. That's not fair to me because then I'm perpetually hurt, paranoid, anxious, etc. [I've had fucking ENOUGH of that shit...it's NOT fun]. It's not fair to her because I won't be just a friend, I'd be some annoying jerk who can't let things go. It's not fair to Josh because...well, how would you like it if you knew your friend really liked your girlfriend? I didn't ask her to not talk to me because thats just damned cold...friends don't do that to friends...and then there's that I really like talking to her, even if the conversation goes dead after a couple minutes.
I was going to e-mail her, but was advised against it, so I just sort of kept my mouth shut about all of this.
So yeah, Dec. 26th was a good day, and it also was a very painful day. Not sharp pain, but a longing pain, I guess you'd call it. Sometimes I feel I have the shittiest luck.
That reminds me, I feel sorta like dog poop [yes, poop is worse than shit]. I keep moping around every now and then, and say that I'm sorta depressed when someone asks me if everything is ok...but how the hell can I be depressed? Stress Analysis [fucking spawn of satan that it is] is over. I'm back home, literally surrounded by friends and family pretty much all time time. Why am I letting this girl get to me? Why can't I just not care? Why must I be so naive and not understand? There should be NO WAY that I can be depressed. I love my family and friends. They are my life. I'm currently surrounded by them (well, they're all sorta sleeping right now, but I felt the urge to Blog, else I'd be in that blissful state of ignorance and peace, as well). I'd continue to bitch and ask "Why this?" and "Why that?", but I just remembered that I have food in my stomach, a bed to sleep in, and a roof over my head. Something 90% of the world can't say. So I'll shut up now, and go to bed (finally!).
Merry Christmas...and a Merry fucking Dec. 26th to you, too.
Author's note: All the self deprecation is more of a side note rather than me actually being down on myself. Sort of like ending every compliment you give with a very sarcastic "Einstein". And all the swearing and cursing is because my Blog is my one place to bitch and moan [well, I do that anyways, nowadays, but thats how its supposed to work, in theory], so please pay it no mind.
Awesome, I've managed to turn yet ANOTHER Blog post into a whiny piece of bitching about my lack of a relationship. Wow...I think this is a record!
Time to listen to The Gauntlet, by the Dropkick Murphys. Lets see if that lifts my spirits.
It was a good one for me...got enough coal to keep fires burning for the rest of the winter, so I'll stay warm.
Ate so much food that I thought I would burst. Great times with my family, as well.
Today started off great. Ended on a very, very depressing note.
Get a call at 0930 hours (rudely awoken, I must add!) from Chris. So I grudgingly get my lazy ass out of bed and find out that we're going to go to Harvard Square today to go to stores and see what cool shit we can find. Ron comes onto the scene early (well, he said 45 minutes, but he was there in 25), and we had an amusing cell phone gig going on for a bit. Then my hands started to turn a bluish purple from the cold, and got slightly swollen (first signs of frostbite). Needless to say, that conversation was quickly ended and my hands shoved into my pockets, jerking madly to keep the blood flowing swiftly.
So we make it onto the train alright...and lo and behold, we have the dubious "pleasure" of sitting next to this fucking madman. He starts bitching at a young woman for no damned reason, and gets all in her face about some stupid little thing then tells her to go fuck off as she got off at her stop. What a fucking asshole.
Note: when on the T, you quickly learn to mind your own business. The last person who decided to help someone else received a bullet to the heart. Plus the guy was clearly mentally ill/challenged. You don't mess with people like that. He kept it to words. If he made any part of it physical, then we would have had an obligation to get involved. We may be cowards for not trying to make the guy stop being retarded, but we're live cowards, and the worst the woman got was the lingering memory of meeting that fucking asshole on the T.
We get to Newbury Comics...and I'm sort of bored...not much for me to do there...so I read a comic...and realized why I try and avoid that store as much as possible.
Then onto another store...I forget what it is. It was pretty cool. Had all these sci-fi and fantasy novels. Awesome place. Yes, I'm a geek. No need to rub it in. After that we went to Urban Outfitters...I have not yet seen a stranger retail venue...I mean, seriously, what the fuck?! Chris, I'm VERY glad that book wasn't one of those "flip out" ones...else you'd get some VERY strange stares...and that book about Revenge...it wasn't Revenge...just half naked women. And how the fuck were we not able to get that damned Atari to work?!? For goodness sakes we're ENGINEERS DAMNIT! Well, to our credit, we DID eventually get it to work...but then I realized just how much Atari's graphics SUCKED. I mean, I could draw better with my--never mind, enough of that thought.
[I was going to say "right hand", but I decided to add some suspense and mystery to it, and my knowledge that some of you have sick minds only aided me in my cause.]
Then we scrambled to Quincy Center and ate at that Indian place. Wicked awesome buffet. Definitely going back there someday. Then Chris had to go see ROTK again...lucky bastard. Meanwhile, Ron and I hitchhiked home, and he reinstalled Red Alert 2 on his computer, and we played an online campaign together...and got our asses handed to us on several occasions. Well, more than several. More like almost all the time. Then we both get frustrated, and leave.
This is where the night turns depressing. Not only am I frustrated at being completely retarded, but I'm about to absorb some major hurt. [Warning: Partial Rant ahead! If you got tired of me bitching for the past few weeks, read no further! This is your first, last, and ONLY warning!]
[Space Inserted so You Don't View Following Paragraphs by Accident]
[Tertiary Note: Alot of times I can't accurately put to words what I'm feeling, so please bear with me]
[Quarternary Note: Just here to prove that I know one step beyond tertiary.]
I'm extremely glad I wasn't informed of this on Christmas...would have ruined the special day I was having (no, I didn't get to ride on the short bus), and would have just destroyed me.
Josh and Jen are now officially going out...as of December 25, 2003. A late Christmas present for me, I guess. Ho ho...Merry fucking Christmas.
Yes, I know this makes me sound REALLY selfish and jealous. Everyone is selfish, and you're darned tootin' I'm jealous (and that scares me...I never felt this sort of jealousy before). They're both friends, and I'm happy that they are strengthening the relationship between them. I do mean that.
It just hurts a damn lot [did I also mention that I'm jealous?]
Now, its not like it blindsided me...for one, I've known from several different sources that they were planning on going out relatively soon. Its just that Jen is the most amazing woman I've had the honor, privilege, and pleasure of ever meeting. I won't type any of the details up, for I'm sure if you read my Blog, I've told you [in person]. Plus I'd probably have some waterworks from typing that, too. Might as well save myself some pride and dignity. And then there's the off-chance that Jen or Josh reads my Blog. Shit...if they do, I'm really fucked...
Ok, now to come clean. Since knowing this, I've done my very best to avoid contact with Jen. For the past week or so, I've made sure not to IM her, or e-mail her, what not. I can't say the past couple weeks, because I did call her and leave a message on her cell phone...but other than that, I've been flat out avoiding her. I need time to get over her, the pain, everything (just because I passed Stress doesn't mean its over with...its slowly going away). She says she wants me as a friend, and I believe her (finally...way to go, fucktard). Right now, I can't be her friend, much as I'd love to be. When I think of her, I think of her as more than a friend. She's not interested in me, so thats not going to happen. I need to get over that before I can be a true friend again. Bah, here we go with the waterworks...so much for saving my pride and dignity.
She's contacted me a couple times (surprisingly...not used to that anymore...we haven't really talked in a long time), and I'm kicking myself because I sort of blew her off each time...including Christmas (I wasn't such a fucktard not to say Merry Christmas and make some conversation, but, honestly, I didn't really want to start talking to her again...I wasn't ready to...I'm still not ready to). Way to show courtesy and kindness and general Holiday cheer, retard.
Not that her effort was wasted. Her going out of her way to contact me gave me hope that we can go back to being good friends, given time, once I'm ready.
The reason why I blew her off was this: if I don't get space, I won't be able to get over this. That's not fair to me because then I'm perpetually hurt, paranoid, anxious, etc. [I've had fucking ENOUGH of that shit...it's NOT fun]. It's not fair to her because I won't be just a friend, I'd be some annoying jerk who can't let things go. It's not fair to Josh because...well, how would you like it if you knew your friend really liked your girlfriend? I didn't ask her to not talk to me because thats just damned cold...friends don't do that to friends...and then there's that I really like talking to her, even if the conversation goes dead after a couple minutes.
I was going to e-mail her, but was advised against it, so I just sort of kept my mouth shut about all of this.
So yeah, Dec. 26th was a good day, and it also was a very painful day. Not sharp pain, but a longing pain, I guess you'd call it. Sometimes I feel I have the shittiest luck.
That reminds me, I feel sorta like dog poop [yes, poop is worse than shit]. I keep moping around every now and then, and say that I'm sorta depressed when someone asks me if everything is ok...but how the hell can I be depressed? Stress Analysis [fucking spawn of satan that it is] is over. I'm back home, literally surrounded by friends and family pretty much all time time. Why am I letting this girl get to me? Why can't I just not care? Why must I be so naive and not understand? There should be NO WAY that I can be depressed. I love my family and friends. They are my life. I'm currently surrounded by them (well, they're all sorta sleeping right now, but I felt the urge to Blog, else I'd be in that blissful state of ignorance and peace, as well). I'd continue to bitch and ask "Why this?" and "Why that?", but I just remembered that I have food in my stomach, a bed to sleep in, and a roof over my head. Something 90% of the world can't say. So I'll shut up now, and go to bed (finally!).
Merry Christmas...and a Merry fucking Dec. 26th to you, too.
Author's note: All the self deprecation is more of a side note rather than me actually being down on myself. Sort of like ending every compliment you give with a very sarcastic "Einstein". And all the swearing and cursing is because my Blog is my one place to bitch and moan [well, I do that anyways, nowadays, but thats how its supposed to work, in theory], so please pay it no mind.
Awesome, I've managed to turn yet ANOTHER Blog post into a whiny piece of bitching about my lack of a relationship. Wow...I think this is a record!
Time to listen to The Gauntlet, by the Dropkick Murphys. Lets see if that lifts my spirits.
Merry Christmas...well, late that is.
It was a good one for me...got enough coal to keep fires burning for the rest of the winter, so I'll stay warm.
Ate so much food that I thought I would burst. Great times with my family, as well.
Today started off great. Ended on a very, very depressing note.
Get a call at 0930 hours (rudely awoken, I must add!) from Chris. So I grudgingly get my lazy ass out of bed and find out that we're going to go to Harvard Square today to go to stores and see what cool shit we can find. Ron comes onto the scene early (well, he said 45 minutes, but he was there in 25), and we had an amusing cell phone gig going on for a bit. Then my hands started to turn a bluish purple from the cold, and got slightly swollen (first signs of frostbite). Needless to say, that conversation was quickly ended and my hands shoved into my pockets, jerking madly to keep the blood flowing swiftly.
So we make it onto the train alright...and lo and behold, we have the dubious "pleasure" of sitting next to this fucking madman. He starts bitching at a young woman for no damned reason, and gets all in her face about some stupid little thing then tells her to go fuck off as she got off at her stop. What a fucking asshole.
Note: when on the T, you quickly learn to mind your own business. The last person who decided to help someone else received a bullet to the heart. Plus the guy was clearly mentally ill/challenged. You don't mess with people like that. He kept it to words. If he made any part of it physical, then we would have had an obligation to get involved. We may be cowards for not trying to make the guy stop being retarded, but we're live cowards, and the worst the woman got was the lingering memory of meeting that fucking asshole on the T.
It was a good one for me...got enough coal to keep fires burning for the rest of the winter, so I'll stay warm.
Ate so much food that I thought I would burst. Great times with my family, as well.
Today started off great. Ended on a very, very depressing note.
Get a call at 0930 hours (rudely awoken, I must add!) from Chris. So I grudgingly get my lazy ass out of bed and find out that we're going to go to Harvard Square today to go to stores and see what cool shit we can find. Ron comes onto the scene early (well, he said 45 minutes, but he was there in 25), and we had an amusing cell phone gig going on for a bit. Then my hands started to turn a bluish purple from the cold, and got slightly swollen (first signs of frostbite). Needless to say, that conversation was quickly ended and my hands shoved into my pockets, jerking madly to keep the blood flowing swiftly.
So we make it onto the train alright...and lo and behold, we have the dubious "pleasure" of sitting next to this fucking madman. He starts bitching at a young woman for no damned reason, and gets all in her face about some stupid little thing then tells her to go fuck off as she got off at her stop. What a fucking asshole.
Note: when on the T, you quickly learn to mind your own business. The last person who decided to help someone else received a bullet to the heart. Plus the guy was clearly mentally ill/challenged. You don't mess with people like that. He kept it to words. If he made any part of it physical, then we would have had an obligation to get involved. We may be cowards for not trying to make the guy stop being retarded, but we're live cowards, and the worst the woman got was the lingering memory of meeting that fucking asshole on the T.
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
I don't know how to describe my life now.
Sure, I passed Stress Analysis. But at what a price.
For those of you who care, I'm still deeply hurt, completely devastated, however you want to draw parallels to it. No matter what you call it, my heart has been made into a pincushion, and thrown off to the side, like some sort of cheap toy.
Instead of getting anxiety attacks now, there is just a deep sense of sadness, depression, regret, and sometimes anger is mixed in as well...and it doesn't leave. I always have this feeling of being empty, that there is something missing in my life. Clinical depression? Maybe. Should really make an appointment to get checked out and find out if it is or not.
If anyone wants to talk about it, you know how to contact me.
Life, on the whole, has gotten better. Sure, my heart feels like its been ripped out, spit on, torn apart, then have tons of salt be ground into it, but I don't have my classes (aka Stress Analysis) hanging out me.
I was able to hang out with my friends tonight. We went into Boston. First stop? CambrideSide Galleria. Ate there (mmm...Bourbon chicken...), Chris picked up a couple Alien and Predator figure sets, along with AvP 2 and its expansion pack (way to go...you bought the expansion pack TWICE! Good thing you double checked the package, and were able to return it).
Then off to the Barracks, where I foolishly got stuck in a French paratroopers helmet (evidently this gentleman had seen action, if the dents in the helmet were any sign of it). Turned out I was trying to undo the wrong strap...man did I feel stupid. Then went to Virgin Records and played Rogue Squadron III: Rebel Strike for over a half hour (good stuff!). After that, Jillian's was our destination. Bastard bouncer insisted that I take off my scally cap. We played lots of foosball, and did alot of talking. Promised Haviland I'd go through and tell him my entire story of woe from the beginning tomorrow...not looking forward to that. Probably see some waterworks...oh well, it takes a man to cry.
I had a great time tonight...it was so damned good to see the guys again. Aye, I wish I could be as happy and cheery as I was tonight all the time. Wish I may, wish I might, the stars have forsaken me again this night.
There is more I want to put here, but I don't know how to say it, so I'll have to wait to write them down for general viewing.
Good night ladies (if any read my blog, that is) and gentlemen.
Sure, I passed Stress Analysis. But at what a price.
For those of you who care, I'm still deeply hurt, completely devastated, however you want to draw parallels to it. No matter what you call it, my heart has been made into a pincushion, and thrown off to the side, like some sort of cheap toy.
Instead of getting anxiety attacks now, there is just a deep sense of sadness, depression, regret, and sometimes anger is mixed in as well...and it doesn't leave. I always have this feeling of being empty, that there is something missing in my life. Clinical depression? Maybe. Should really make an appointment to get checked out and find out if it is or not.
If anyone wants to talk about it, you know how to contact me.
Life, on the whole, has gotten better. Sure, my heart feels like its been ripped out, spit on, torn apart, then have tons of salt be ground into it, but I don't have my classes (aka Stress Analysis) hanging out me.
I was able to hang out with my friends tonight. We went into Boston. First stop? CambrideSide Galleria. Ate there (mmm...Bourbon chicken...), Chris picked up a couple Alien and Predator figure sets, along with AvP 2 and its expansion pack (way to go...you bought the expansion pack TWICE! Good thing you double checked the package, and were able to return it).
Then off to the Barracks, where I foolishly got stuck in a French paratroopers helmet (evidently this gentleman had seen action, if the dents in the helmet were any sign of it). Turned out I was trying to undo the wrong strap...man did I feel stupid. Then went to Virgin Records and played Rogue Squadron III: Rebel Strike for over a half hour (good stuff!). After that, Jillian's was our destination. Bastard bouncer insisted that I take off my scally cap. We played lots of foosball, and did alot of talking. Promised Haviland I'd go through and tell him my entire story of woe from the beginning tomorrow...not looking forward to that. Probably see some waterworks...oh well, it takes a man to cry.
I had a great time tonight...it was so damned good to see the guys again. Aye, I wish I could be as happy and cheery as I was tonight all the time. Wish I may, wish I might, the stars have forsaken me again this night.
There is more I want to put here, but I don't know how to say it, so I'll have to wait to write them down for general viewing.
Good night ladies (if any read my blog, that is) and gentlemen.
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Ugh. Life still sucks. Two days to go.
Alright. Here's been whats going on. Finished up Hoist Case Scenario #5...took a damn long time to do...hell, it had 115 variables involved. If I had had to do that by hand, I would have shot myself, or would have done serious bodily harm to myself, so I wouldn't be responsible for it.
Finally, some good stuff happening in my life. Friday sucked, I had nothing to do that night, except worry and worry and worry. Why did it suck? Well, it started off with waking up--big mistake right there. Then it went immediately into a Stress Quiz, another big no-no. My roommates didn't want to hang out with me because they had other crap to do. The best part of the night was hanging out with Ryan at Denny's, with the waitress that just didn't want us to leave.
Saturday wasn't much better, until at night. Russ and I were watching "Old School" downstairs, and all of a sudden, my cell phone rings, which surprised the hell out of me. That wasn't the only surprise--the second one was a very good one, and one that I appreciated alot.
If you called me on Saturday night, you'd know why I was surprised to see that you called me up to see what I was up to. I felt...whole again.
The next day was Josh's event. Pretty good overall, though one section of it went on for far too long, I think.
Monday...ah yes. Monday. Had a Stress quiz...woo-fucking-hoo. It sucked. Worded so poorly that people stared at it for 5-6 minutes before writing stuff down. I was lucky...I figured it out after about a minute...well, the procedure at least. The calculations are a completely different story.
That night, I had that dreaded talk with Josh and Jen...shit that was hard for me to do. Hell, I couldn't even look either them in the eye most of the time (well, most of the time I was trying not to let them see just how close I was to turning on the waterworks).
Honestly, I didn't talk to them about everything I had originally planned to...but I said enough, they can find the rest out later, in a while, when I can finally deal with everything as a package, and hand it to them in retrospect. Talking to them gave me hope.
All I have to do now is get over Jen. She's dating Josh now. And it kills. Whenever I talk to someone about my feelings for her (all of two people), they immediately say love...and my feelings do feel damned strong. I think about her alot. "A lot" = "all the time", actually. I can't get her off my mind no matter what I do.
I don't want to be attracted to her--I feel it interferes with us being friends alot, plus Josh is going out with her......
Knowing she's going out with another guy kills my soul. Absolutely throws it through the meat grinder. Over and over again. I wish she had given me a chance, to share our lives with each other. But no can do...she doesn't have the same sentiments for me as I do for her. It hurts me alot.
But losing her completely (ie. not even a friend) would hurt even more. So I sit here, thinking about her all day, knowing that, at least right now, I don't have a chance**.
**I hope she doesn't break up with Josh. It hurts like seven hells to see them going out, but I want her happy. And that is another reason I don't want to like her--then she doesn't have to be concerned with sending the wrong signals to me, or have to deal with me. But I can't control it.
But, no matter how much I don't want to be attracted to her, I still am, strongly. She's just amazing.
Life sucks still, but its suckiness is into the tolerable range now.
Ugh...I hope she doesn't read this post. I'd be terribly embarrassed. Well, maybe its better that she does. I don't know. I love you, Jen, and I'm sorry. For everything. I hope I haven't scared you...probably have :-(.
All I know is that in 2 days I'm heading back home to Quincy to relax, and try to recover from the Hell I've been going through the past 7 or 8 weeks. Shit, its going to be so damned good to see you guys again...
Alright. Here's been whats going on. Finished up Hoist Case Scenario #5...took a damn long time to do...hell, it had 115 variables involved. If I had had to do that by hand, I would have shot myself, or would have done serious bodily harm to myself, so I wouldn't be responsible for it.
Finally, some good stuff happening in my life. Friday sucked, I had nothing to do that night, except worry and worry and worry. Why did it suck? Well, it started off with waking up--big mistake right there. Then it went immediately into a Stress Quiz, another big no-no. My roommates didn't want to hang out with me because they had other crap to do. The best part of the night was hanging out with Ryan at Denny's, with the waitress that just didn't want us to leave.
Saturday wasn't much better, until at night. Russ and I were watching "Old School" downstairs, and all of a sudden, my cell phone rings, which surprised the hell out of me. That wasn't the only surprise--the second one was a very good one, and one that I appreciated alot.
If you called me on Saturday night, you'd know why I was surprised to see that you called me up to see what I was up to. I felt...whole again.
The next day was Josh's event. Pretty good overall, though one section of it went on for far too long, I think.
Monday...ah yes. Monday. Had a Stress quiz...woo-fucking-hoo. It sucked. Worded so poorly that people stared at it for 5-6 minutes before writing stuff down. I was lucky...I figured it out after about a minute...well, the procedure at least. The calculations are a completely different story.
That night, I had that dreaded talk with Josh and Jen...shit that was hard for me to do. Hell, I couldn't even look either them in the eye most of the time (well, most of the time I was trying not to let them see just how close I was to turning on the waterworks).
Honestly, I didn't talk to them about everything I had originally planned to...but I said enough, they can find the rest out later, in a while, when I can finally deal with everything as a package, and hand it to them in retrospect. Talking to them gave me hope.
All I have to do now is get over Jen. She's dating Josh now. And it kills. Whenever I talk to someone about my feelings for her (all of two people), they immediately say love...and my feelings do feel damned strong. I think about her alot. "A lot" = "all the time", actually. I can't get her off my mind no matter what I do.
I don't want to be attracted to her--I feel it interferes with us being friends alot, plus Josh is going out with her......
Knowing she's going out with another guy kills my soul. Absolutely throws it through the meat grinder. Over and over again. I wish she had given me a chance, to share our lives with each other. But no can do...she doesn't have the same sentiments for me as I do for her. It hurts me alot.
But losing her completely (ie. not even a friend) would hurt even more. So I sit here, thinking about her all day, knowing that, at least right now, I don't have a chance**.
**I hope she doesn't break up with Josh. It hurts like seven hells to see them going out, but I want her happy. And that is another reason I don't want to like her--then she doesn't have to be concerned with sending the wrong signals to me, or have to deal with me. But I can't control it.
But, no matter how much I don't want to be attracted to her, I still am, strongly. She's just amazing.
Life sucks still, but its suckiness is into the tolerable range now.
Ugh...I hope she doesn't read this post. I'd be terribly embarrassed. Well, maybe its better that she does. I don't know. I love you, Jen, and I'm sorry. For everything. I hope I haven't scared you...probably have :-(.
All I know is that in 2 days I'm heading back home to Quincy to relax, and try to recover from the Hell I've been going through the past 7 or 8 weeks. Shit, its going to be so damned good to see you guys again...
Monday, December 15, 2003
This one's for Chris, who is feeling sort of worthless, still.
I'd like to invite you to join my club. Free. As much food, soda, Risk playing, video games, and movies as you want (take the damned hint!).
As for myself. I feel like shit right now. A damned, worthless piece of shit, with no future, and nothing to look forward to in life. I don't know why I trudge onward, if all it does it give me pain and suffering.
If I could get one thing for Christmas, I'd have to choose between two things: forgiveness, or give me time travel, so I can go back in time 10 weeks and relive my life, so I don't fuck up so badly.
I feel like curling up into a little ball and bawl my eyes out. I won't--I have too much pride for that. So I'll just sit here and feel depressed and know I can't do anything about my current situation. Everything is out of my control, and I'm at the mercy of life's winds.
A few minutes ago, I was shaking uncontrollably. Not from cold, but from pain, regret, and sadness.
Nothing to look foward to--not even Christmas Break is making me feel better. I just feel like a pile of goo that is trying to form itself into something better, but in the end, it's just a pile of goo.
I hate my life.
I'd like to invite you to join my club. Free. As much food, soda, Risk playing, video games, and movies as you want (take the damned hint!).
As for myself. I feel like shit right now. A damned, worthless piece of shit, with no future, and nothing to look forward to in life. I don't know why I trudge onward, if all it does it give me pain and suffering.
If I could get one thing for Christmas, I'd have to choose between two things: forgiveness, or give me time travel, so I can go back in time 10 weeks and relive my life, so I don't fuck up so badly.
I feel like curling up into a little ball and bawl my eyes out. I won't--I have too much pride for that. So I'll just sit here and feel depressed and know I can't do anything about my current situation. Everything is out of my control, and I'm at the mercy of life's winds.
A few minutes ago, I was shaking uncontrollably. Not from cold, but from pain, regret, and sadness.
Nothing to look foward to--not even Christmas Break is making me feel better. I just feel like a pile of goo that is trying to form itself into something better, but in the end, it's just a pile of goo.
I hate my life.
Sunday, December 14, 2003
I can see the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, I can't see the light.
Despite events of yesterday, and parts of today, I don't know if things will become good again. I fear they won't.
We'll see what happens, tomorrow.
Despite events of yesterday, and parts of today, I don't know if things will become good again. I fear they won't.
We'll see what happens, tomorrow.
Saturday, December 13, 2003
Ok, I've felt markably better lately. But the need to fix things is still ingrained in me.
Jen, I'm sorry for being an asshole, made you feel uncomfortable, and was not receptive to what you were saying. I wasn't receptive because it felt to me you were saying one thing, and doing another. From what I've heard from other people, the reason why you did do as you said was because I didn't listen. I'm sorry.
I miss you, and I want you back in my life. I understand you aren't interested in me at all, romantically. I don't care. I'd love to keep you as a friend, but I'm afraid that you don't want to have things like that. I'm afraid that you just want to put as much distance between us as possible, and keep it there, permanently.
Josh, lets fix things up. The only thing that I need to resolve with you right now (that I can think of...I'm pretty tired, and so I've forgotten alot of what I wanted to say) is how it seemed you were so possessive of her, and how much that bothered and hurt me. I'm sure you have similar issues with me.
Maybe the three of us should get together for a couple hours on Monday, somewhere private, and hash everything out. I don't want our friendships to fall apart. I want to fix them. Both of you mean alot to me.
I'm seeing the end of the tunnel...but I don't know if its light out or if darkness has fallen on the outside...
Jen, I'm sorry for being an asshole, made you feel uncomfortable, and was not receptive to what you were saying. I wasn't receptive because it felt to me you were saying one thing, and doing another. From what I've heard from other people, the reason why you did do as you said was because I didn't listen. I'm sorry.
I miss you, and I want you back in my life. I understand you aren't interested in me at all, romantically. I don't care. I'd love to keep you as a friend, but I'm afraid that you don't want to have things like that. I'm afraid that you just want to put as much distance between us as possible, and keep it there, permanently.
Josh, lets fix things up. The only thing that I need to resolve with you right now (that I can think of...I'm pretty tired, and so I've forgotten alot of what I wanted to say) is how it seemed you were so possessive of her, and how much that bothered and hurt me. I'm sure you have similar issues with me.
Maybe the three of us should get together for a couple hours on Monday, somewhere private, and hash everything out. I don't want our friendships to fall apart. I want to fix them. Both of you mean alot to me.
I'm seeing the end of the tunnel...but I don't know if its light out or if darkness has fallen on the outside...
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
All of my dreams seem to fall by the side
Like a discarded thought or the day's fading light
But I know that if I could just see you tonight
Forever
At times we may fall, like we all tend to do
But I'll reach out and find that I've run into you
Your strength is the power
That carried me through
Forever
Your kindness for weakness I never mistook
I worried you often,yet you understood
That life is so fleeting,these troubles won't last
Forever
Inspired me truly you did from the start
To not be afraid and to follow my heart
There's a piece of you with me they can't tear apart
Forever
Forever I'll find you, forever we'll be
Forever your power and strength stays with me
--Dropkick Murphys, "Forever"
Quite possibly the most comforting song ever.
Like a discarded thought or the day's fading light
But I know that if I could just see you tonight
Forever
At times we may fall, like we all tend to do
But I'll reach out and find that I've run into you
Your strength is the power
That carried me through
Forever
Your kindness for weakness I never mistook
I worried you often,yet you understood
That life is so fleeting,these troubles won't last
Forever
Inspired me truly you did from the start
To not be afraid and to follow my heart
There's a piece of you with me they can't tear apart
Forever
Forever I'll find you, forever we'll be
Forever your power and strength stays with me
--Dropkick Murphys, "Forever"
Quite possibly the most comforting song ever.
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
Alright, I'm back. I was supposed to pick up history notes so I could start writing the paper, but one of my partners wasn't at the agreed upon meeting spot and time not once, but twice...
Ok, I talked to Duncan last night. I didn't exactly have a choice in the matter. He asked if I wanted to talk and I was like "...not really..."...then after I had ripped my knee up (again), it was more like "ok, I can tell you're not ok, we ARE going to talk, lets go to the other room". It prepared me for having to talk to the guy today.
Letting everything off my back and talking to Steve was probably the healthiest thing I've done for myself. At first, I was on the verge of tears, and my voice wavered and cracked. By the end, my head was clear, I was calm, and my voice strong and determined. I pretty much told him everything, leaving no stone unturned. Once I started talking, I couldn't stop. It just came out in a rush and a flood. He listened, and then related his own life experiences to my own. It was comforting, reassuring, and gave me motivation to not give up on schoolwork. I've got 9 days, then its over. Might as well do my damned best and finish it up strong.
I'd discuss it more, but that means I have to go into details, something I don't want to do here at this point in time. Possibly not ever. Its too painful.
And a big part of it is a lack of communication between Josh, Jen, and myself. They don't seem to want to talk things out with me anymore...or even with me at all, actually. That gnaws at me, severely. I'm prepared for them to cut off all ties altogether, but them not talking to me is just making it a shitload worse, and it'll be alot harder to continue on and heal without either reassurance from them, or complete severance.
Oh well. C'est ma vie. Au revoir.
Ok, I talked to Duncan last night. I didn't exactly have a choice in the matter. He asked if I wanted to talk and I was like "...not really..."...then after I had ripped my knee up (again), it was more like "ok, I can tell you're not ok, we ARE going to talk, lets go to the other room". It prepared me for having to talk to the guy today.
Letting everything off my back and talking to Steve was probably the healthiest thing I've done for myself. At first, I was on the verge of tears, and my voice wavered and cracked. By the end, my head was clear, I was calm, and my voice strong and determined. I pretty much told him everything, leaving no stone unturned. Once I started talking, I couldn't stop. It just came out in a rush and a flood. He listened, and then related his own life experiences to my own. It was comforting, reassuring, and gave me motivation to not give up on schoolwork. I've got 9 days, then its over. Might as well do my damned best and finish it up strong.
I'd discuss it more, but that means I have to go into details, something I don't want to do here at this point in time. Possibly not ever. Its too painful.
And a big part of it is a lack of communication between Josh, Jen, and myself. They don't seem to want to talk things out with me anymore...or even with me at all, actually. That gnaws at me, severely. I'm prepared for them to cut off all ties altogether, but them not talking to me is just making it a shitload worse, and it'll be alot harder to continue on and heal without either reassurance from them, or complete severance.
Oh well. C'est ma vie. Au revoir.
I guess I've put this post off long enough...been doing so since 1600 hours.
So, I went to my West Street House appointment at 1300 hours today. Talked to a helpful gentleman for over an hour.
Good news: he highly doubts that I'm going insane, or anything close, regardless of what I think. He said that just the fact that I'm still going to class and doing work proves that I have the strength to continue on...most crazy people don't. He also mentioned that he can see an inner strength in me because of my unwillingness to just give up and my determination to fix everything up. I'll trust his opinion on this because my opinion still says I'm going insane, but he's the expert, and unbiased.
He was surprised to hear that I'm going for broke in Stress and am going to make an honest attempt to do as well in the next 9 days as possible...he remarked that by this point, in this condition, most people are ready to surrender to the pressure and just not try anymore. I'll be honest, that option was really tempting, and I almost went down that road, until I talked to Steve (Duncan) last night. More on talking with him, later, though.
Alright. Back on subject. Told him everything as well and honest as I can remember it (I'm sure some stuff got jumped around a bit, unfortunately, due to perspective). He got a pretty clear picture of whats going on relatively quickly. I've got another appointment with him for Thursday at 1300 hours.
The one thing he found out is that instead of giving me distance, like everyone did, I needed close support of everyone, instead. He wants me to try and talk to as many of my friends as possible about everything, too, because that will help make it easier for me to deal with, get a load off my back, and that way everyone is on the same page and won't think I'm a freak or anything.
Secondly, he wants me to try to talk to Josh and Jen. Thats not quite so easy as item #1. Get everything cleared. Maybe not immediately, he said, possibly gradually, or wait a while and then talk in retrospect, so it might be easier to deal with. I want this situation to end, and I will do whatever it takes to do so...unfortunately, that includes the possibility of breaking off contact with Josh and Jen and not being their friend ever again...which was a viable solution to the problem that the guy only wants me to take as a last resort. He gave me options to think about.
He made the point that Stress is over in 9 days, and the course will end then. He said to not be surprised if I can't fix everything up socially by then, either...he said to rebuild trust and friendship takes time, sometimes a short amount, other times it can take a long long time.
I'm hoping for the short amount. But I'll take what life gives me. Off to a meeting, more later!
So, I went to my West Street House appointment at 1300 hours today. Talked to a helpful gentleman for over an hour.
Good news: he highly doubts that I'm going insane, or anything close, regardless of what I think. He said that just the fact that I'm still going to class and doing work proves that I have the strength to continue on...most crazy people don't. He also mentioned that he can see an inner strength in me because of my unwillingness to just give up and my determination to fix everything up. I'll trust his opinion on this because my opinion still says I'm going insane, but he's the expert, and unbiased.
He was surprised to hear that I'm going for broke in Stress and am going to make an honest attempt to do as well in the next 9 days as possible...he remarked that by this point, in this condition, most people are ready to surrender to the pressure and just not try anymore. I'll be honest, that option was really tempting, and I almost went down that road, until I talked to Steve (Duncan) last night. More on talking with him, later, though.
Alright. Back on subject. Told him everything as well and honest as I can remember it (I'm sure some stuff got jumped around a bit, unfortunately, due to perspective). He got a pretty clear picture of whats going on relatively quickly. I've got another appointment with him for Thursday at 1300 hours.
The one thing he found out is that instead of giving me distance, like everyone did, I needed close support of everyone, instead. He wants me to try and talk to as many of my friends as possible about everything, too, because that will help make it easier for me to deal with, get a load off my back, and that way everyone is on the same page and won't think I'm a freak or anything.
Secondly, he wants me to try to talk to Josh and Jen. Thats not quite so easy as item #1. Get everything cleared. Maybe not immediately, he said, possibly gradually, or wait a while and then talk in retrospect, so it might be easier to deal with. I want this situation to end, and I will do whatever it takes to do so...unfortunately, that includes the possibility of breaking off contact with Josh and Jen and not being their friend ever again...which was a viable solution to the problem that the guy only wants me to take as a last resort. He gave me options to think about.
He made the point that Stress is over in 9 days, and the course will end then. He said to not be surprised if I can't fix everything up socially by then, either...he said to rebuild trust and friendship takes time, sometimes a short amount, other times it can take a long long time.
I'm hoping for the short amount. But I'll take what life gives me. Off to a meeting, more later!
Monday, December 08, 2003
Yah. Went a day and a half without an anxiety attack (rather good)...and my streak ended just now, unfortunately...I had another one.
A bunch of people went to Medieval Manor yesterday, and I was told I was missed. It really brightened my day to know that people were thinking of me**.
What really struck me as very odd, though, was that how can I be missed, if I wasn't invited? Thats weird. (I had known about the trip, but I don't invite myself places)
Either way, I'm thankful for the sentiment and reassurance.
**Especially now. I sorta went COMPLETELY stark raving mad insane Saturday night and had a nervous breakdown...I felt like all my friends had abandoned me and was worried sick about everything. I felt completely alone in this world, and no one would give two shits if I lived or died, if I was doing well, or in pain. One person caught the ENTIRE brunt of what was going on that night. Thank you for staying up and listening to me. You have no idea how much that helped, God knows I needed it. I feel horrible, however, because I knew she had a stressful week of finals she had to study for. I appreciate the time you took out of your busy life to help me with mine.
Now, I've scheduled an appointment for tomorrow at 1:00 PM at West Street House (conselling center). I was humiliated and embarrassed to admit to myself that I am not able to do this by myself without external help (professional, help, that is, I've gotten plenty of help from my friends, which unfortunately had fallen on deaf ears :-( ). My goal: figure out what the hell is wrong with me. And get treated for it so I can be normal again.
I never thought that I might be mentally ill, but looking back on my thoughts, actions, and frequent and prolonged anxiety attacks and LONG periods of severe depression, there is something definitely wrong with me, mentally. Recognizing it is one step on the road to recovery. You don't know how embarrassing it is to admit this to yourself.
I should have made that decision a long time ago, and swallowed up the humiliation, and gone through with it. It would have prevented alot of problems. I wouldn't have moped around so much. I wouldn't have strained some friendships to the breaking point (repeatedly, I must add). I wouldn't have felt like the most worthless thing in the world. I wouldn't have imagined things might be better off had I been dead (no, I don't condone suicide, its the cowards way out, I'm in this for the long haul, but it doesn't mean I can't think about how things would be if I had suddenly died).
We'll see how the appointment goes. I hope that once I'm back to my normal old self again, everything could go back to the way it once was...I know it can't, its impossible for that to happen, people hold grudges, and people have memories. But I can and will hope. There is always hope, even in the worst of situations, even when it seems that hope itself has forsaken you. Hope is all I have left, and I'm not willing to give it up.
I'm sure all of you are sick of my ramblings and whinings. Sorry to put you through all that.
Back to today's events. I've got rather large amount of Stress homework to do (heh...stress)...not because there's alot of problems, but because the few problems that are assigned are almost impossible to solve (my roommate had been working on a single problem for about 3-4 hours and hadn't even scratched the surface...he said that he couldn't get anywhere, it was so hard). I'm thinking about blowing it off. I'm actually starting to feel a little better, and I'm not of the mind to stress out over stress (I made a funny!) and go back down into that shithole of mess I was (well, still am, just not feeling it right now).
But!!! There is GOOD NEWS!!! Fight practice is tonight!!! I can't wait to see everyone again! I really look forward to Monday nights every week. Pretty much my only chance during the week to completely forget all my cares and troubles and just relax!
A bunch of people went to Medieval Manor yesterday, and I was told I was missed. It really brightened my day to know that people were thinking of me**.
What really struck me as very odd, though, was that how can I be missed, if I wasn't invited? Thats weird. (I had known about the trip, but I don't invite myself places)
Either way, I'm thankful for the sentiment and reassurance.
**Especially now. I sorta went COMPLETELY stark raving mad insane Saturday night and had a nervous breakdown...I felt like all my friends had abandoned me and was worried sick about everything. I felt completely alone in this world, and no one would give two shits if I lived or died, if I was doing well, or in pain. One person caught the ENTIRE brunt of what was going on that night. Thank you for staying up and listening to me. You have no idea how much that helped, God knows I needed it. I feel horrible, however, because I knew she had a stressful week of finals she had to study for. I appreciate the time you took out of your busy life to help me with mine.
Now, I've scheduled an appointment for tomorrow at 1:00 PM at West Street House (conselling center). I was humiliated and embarrassed to admit to myself that I am not able to do this by myself without external help (professional, help, that is, I've gotten plenty of help from my friends, which unfortunately had fallen on deaf ears :-( ). My goal: figure out what the hell is wrong with me. And get treated for it so I can be normal again.
I never thought that I might be mentally ill, but looking back on my thoughts, actions, and frequent and prolonged anxiety attacks and LONG periods of severe depression, there is something definitely wrong with me, mentally. Recognizing it is one step on the road to recovery. You don't know how embarrassing it is to admit this to yourself.
I should have made that decision a long time ago, and swallowed up the humiliation, and gone through with it. It would have prevented alot of problems. I wouldn't have moped around so much. I wouldn't have strained some friendships to the breaking point (repeatedly, I must add). I wouldn't have felt like the most worthless thing in the world. I wouldn't have imagined things might be better off had I been dead (no, I don't condone suicide, its the cowards way out, I'm in this for the long haul, but it doesn't mean I can't think about how things would be if I had suddenly died).
We'll see how the appointment goes. I hope that once I'm back to my normal old self again, everything could go back to the way it once was...I know it can't, its impossible for that to happen, people hold grudges, and people have memories. But I can and will hope. There is always hope, even in the worst of situations, even when it seems that hope itself has forsaken you. Hope is all I have left, and I'm not willing to give it up.
I'm sure all of you are sick of my ramblings and whinings. Sorry to put you through all that.
Back to today's events. I've got rather large amount of Stress homework to do (heh...stress)...not because there's alot of problems, but because the few problems that are assigned are almost impossible to solve (my roommate had been working on a single problem for about 3-4 hours and hadn't even scratched the surface...he said that he couldn't get anywhere, it was so hard). I'm thinking about blowing it off. I'm actually starting to feel a little better, and I'm not of the mind to stress out over stress (I made a funny!) and go back down into that shithole of mess I was (well, still am, just not feeling it right now).
But!!! There is GOOD NEWS!!! Fight practice is tonight!!! I can't wait to see everyone again! I really look forward to Monday nights every week. Pretty much my only chance during the week to completely forget all my cares and troubles and just relax!
Sunday, December 07, 2003
Today is December 7th, 2003. 62 years ago, on this day, Pearl Harbor was attacked, and thousands of young servicemen were killed. This let to the involvement of the United States of America in the bloodiest and most destructive conflict ever known to man: World War II.
May we all take a moment to remember their sacrifice, and the sacrifice of all those who gave their lives for their nations in the war.
I pray that I may have the courage, strength, and honor that these young men had, in my daily life, and if my country should ever call to me to take up arms in her defense.
May we all take a moment to remember their sacrifice, and the sacrifice of all those who gave their lives for their nations in the war.
I pray that I may have the courage, strength, and honor that these young men had, in my daily life, and if my country should ever call to me to take up arms in her defense.
Again, I must cast doubt on my mental stability. Not only does stress get even harder and more insane (heh, heh...insane) than it was before, but I'm getting really f*cked up in the head.
I didn't feel like eating at all today, but I forced myself to have something. Big mistake on my part. Ugh.
I don't know how to explain this story. There doesn't seem to be a beginning, nor an end. Only a long, drawn out, painful middle, that I can't get out of, no matter how hard I try. Maybe I the smartest way to do this is to just not try. But then I'll just remain in this state of misery. I need to try. I'll never give up.
I've been doing my best to get out of this box for the past few weeks...all my efforts have failed, gone to waste. Nothing I do seems to help, but everything I do just makes all of it worse. I don't know what to do, how to do it, or anything. I don't really know who to trust anymore. Are they telling me the truth? Lying to me? I don't know. There's no way I can know.
So here's what I've done today: woke up...unfortunately it was early (someone set there alarm for like 8 or something, and then just kept hitting snooze repeatedly, drove me mad...well, more than I had been already). Had a minor anxiety/panic attack. Played Black Thorn with roommates, trying to relax. Suffered another anxiety attack that lasted for several hours. Still have it, right now, honestly, but its more depression than anxiety now. Feeling worthless. I had been on the verge of a nervous breakdown last night. So very close, it was like walking a wire that was spanning the Grand Canyon. Did that once, and I have no wish to repeat that experience.
I took a mental health screening last night. The results indicated that I am most likely suffering from depression and severe general anxiety disorder.
I think I owe it to myself, my friends, family, everyone, that I go down to the West Street House tomorrow, and go get some counselling for this. I'm tired of being an ass to my friends, doubting them, sick of feeling miserable, all this anxiety, panicking, and paranoia. I thought I could do it on my own. I was wrong. I need help, and I'm going to get it, because I'm determined to get all this shit done and over with.
Once I'm better, THEN I can make true amends. Hopefully...I'm not sure I can fix everything up...I've pulled too much shit, I've been too much of an ass. I'm extremely afraid that those who've I talked to will no longer want to be my friends...I would understand it if that happened...and thats the reason I've been pretty tight lipped about everything, and I let it bottle up. I'm afraid.
And to those I have talked to: you still don't really know much about whats going on. I wish I could let it all out and get it out for good, but I have too much fear.
Thank God for the friends and family that I've got. Without them, life would not be worth living.
I didn't feel like eating at all today, but I forced myself to have something. Big mistake on my part. Ugh.
I don't know how to explain this story. There doesn't seem to be a beginning, nor an end. Only a long, drawn out, painful middle, that I can't get out of, no matter how hard I try. Maybe I the smartest way to do this is to just not try. But then I'll just remain in this state of misery. I need to try. I'll never give up.
I've been doing my best to get out of this box for the past few weeks...all my efforts have failed, gone to waste. Nothing I do seems to help, but everything I do just makes all of it worse. I don't know what to do, how to do it, or anything. I don't really know who to trust anymore. Are they telling me the truth? Lying to me? I don't know. There's no way I can know.
So here's what I've done today: woke up...unfortunately it was early (someone set there alarm for like 8 or something, and then just kept hitting snooze repeatedly, drove me mad...well, more than I had been already). Had a minor anxiety/panic attack. Played Black Thorn with roommates, trying to relax. Suffered another anxiety attack that lasted for several hours. Still have it, right now, honestly, but its more depression than anxiety now. Feeling worthless. I had been on the verge of a nervous breakdown last night. So very close, it was like walking a wire that was spanning the Grand Canyon. Did that once, and I have no wish to repeat that experience.
I took a mental health screening last night. The results indicated that I am most likely suffering from depression and severe general anxiety disorder.
I think I owe it to myself, my friends, family, everyone, that I go down to the West Street House tomorrow, and go get some counselling for this. I'm tired of being an ass to my friends, doubting them, sick of feeling miserable, all this anxiety, panicking, and paranoia. I thought I could do it on my own. I was wrong. I need help, and I'm going to get it, because I'm determined to get all this shit done and over with.
Once I'm better, THEN I can make true amends. Hopefully...I'm not sure I can fix everything up...I've pulled too much shit, I've been too much of an ass. I'm extremely afraid that those who've I talked to will no longer want to be my friends...I would understand it if that happened...and thats the reason I've been pretty tight lipped about everything, and I let it bottle up. I'm afraid.
And to those I have talked to: you still don't really know much about whats going on. I wish I could let it all out and get it out for good, but I have too much fear.
Thank God for the friends and family that I've got. Without them, life would not be worth living.
Saturday, December 06, 2003
Yay for having more troubles with a friend.
The board is laid out and the pieces are moving. We'll see what happens with this situation relatively soon. Either things will work out, or the friendship will be pretty much destroyed. Soon = couple hours.
I really hope things work out.
In other news, I'm down back in the 140s, weight wise. Weighed in at 147 lbs. I can't stop shaking. I can't stop worrying...the prospect of losing a friend is ripping me apart.
The board is laid out and the pieces are moving. We'll see what happens with this situation relatively soon. Either things will work out, or the friendship will be pretty much destroyed. Soon = couple hours.
I really hope things work out.
In other news, I'm down back in the 140s, weight wise. Weighed in at 147 lbs. I can't stop shaking. I can't stop worrying...the prospect of losing a friend is ripping me apart.
Anyone else ever have the experience where the more they try to fix a problem up, the worse it gets?
All my efforts to fixing the problem just make it worse :-/. This sucks.
Now for some sleep.
All my efforts to fixing the problem just make it worse :-/. This sucks.
Now for some sleep.
SNOW!!!!!!!!!!! Sure, we had some earlier this week, but now we actually have accumulation!
Made getting home from the party tonight a little tough, so we took it slow. A big thank you to Ryan for getting us there and back in one piece. Not exactly the best conditions out there.
Lots of food, lots of drink (non-alcoholic for me). Some singing (damn...never knew I was THAT off-key...probably because of the small cold I have...or I could just suck really badly at singing).
Now to try and work on a poem or song.
The ones that you love, the ones that you left behind, the ones you said you're trying to find, oh they're trying to find you!
--Dropkick Murphys, "Walk Away"
Made getting home from the party tonight a little tough, so we took it slow. A big thank you to Ryan for getting us there and back in one piece. Not exactly the best conditions out there.
Lots of food, lots of drink (non-alcoholic for me). Some singing (damn...never knew I was THAT off-key...probably because of the small cold I have...or I could just suck really badly at singing).
Now to try and work on a poem or song.
The ones that you love, the ones that you left behind, the ones you said you're trying to find, oh they're trying to find you!
--Dropkick Murphys, "Walk Away"
Friday, December 05, 2003
Just got back from writing class. Asked to write about one of several topics...out of all the topics, there was only one topic I've never truly attempted to write about...Love. I just told myself, why not? Can't be too bad.
I really enjoyed writing this poem. All my problems melted away while creating and developing it. Yes, I was inspired due to my current circumstances, but my situation is not why I chose to write about love. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!
The War of Love
Love is that something that hides,
something that will never be mine.
On the verge of feeling it,
buts its only a cruel trick,
for now it's ever so far.
Its pain will never leave me
but down in the dust.
Love is war,
and I am a soldier.
War is that dreadful thing,
something that kills off generations.
The shell whines high overhead,
and explodes as if thunder.
Flesh cut to ribbons,
bone turned to sand.
A scream pierces the heavy air.
War is hell,
and I am a soldier.
I stand here before you,
a broken, sad young man,
for I have been through the
horrors of war, the gates of hell.
Back here for you, but you
have turned me away.
My heart cut to ribbons, my soul to sand.
Love is hell,
and I am a soldier.
I'm going to need to revise and edit it a bit before it's truly done. I was definitely inspired, and it helped me express how I feel. I need to devote more time to writing poetry. Its good stuff!
I'm feeling a bit better than I was a couple hours ago. I hope that this continues...I've had enough of being mopey and dopey and bitching and whining...so are all of you, I'm sure.
Now, off to revise and edit! Bye!
I really enjoyed writing this poem. All my problems melted away while creating and developing it. Yes, I was inspired due to my current circumstances, but my situation is not why I chose to write about love. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!
The War of Love
Love is that something that hides,
something that will never be mine.
On the verge of feeling it,
buts its only a cruel trick,
for now it's ever so far.
Its pain will never leave me
but down in the dust.
Love is war,
and I am a soldier.
War is that dreadful thing,
something that kills off generations.
The shell whines high overhead,
and explodes as if thunder.
Flesh cut to ribbons,
bone turned to sand.
A scream pierces the heavy air.
War is hell,
and I am a soldier.
I stand here before you,
a broken, sad young man,
for I have been through the
horrors of war, the gates of hell.
Back here for you, but you
have turned me away.
My heart cut to ribbons, my soul to sand.
Love is hell,
and I am a soldier.
I'm going to need to revise and edit it a bit before it's truly done. I was definitely inspired, and it helped me express how I feel. I need to devote more time to writing poetry. Its good stuff!
I'm feeling a bit better than I was a couple hours ago. I hope that this continues...I've had enough of being mopey and dopey and bitching and whining...so are all of you, I'm sure.
Now, off to revise and edit! Bye!
Ok, so I'm not so great. Another stress quiz today...had to wing it for this one. And I mean big time.
Another thing. There's someone that I used to talk to alot...not much anymore. They insist that they want to hang out with me and talk to me.
Their actions do not follow what they said. First off, they NEVER hang out with me, whenever they're up here. They're always hanging out with someone else...doesn't give a call to see if I'd like to hang out, doesn't drop by to say hello...nothing--I only find out that they were up here after the fact..."Oh, I wish I could come up to Worcester more often to hang out"...yeah, say that to someone who will believe it, because I sure as hell don't. And on the rare chance I do see them, I really don't get to talk to them...probably get about 30 seconds of talking before this other person (same person, every time) joins in, and then I'm just cast to the side, forgotten. Thanks a lot...friends, eh?
And they say they want to talk to me...I don't really believe that anymore, either. I'm done...they never IM me to talk...its always me IMing them. If they really wanted to stay friends and talk, etc., how much effort does it take to open up an IM just to say hi? Not a whole damn lot. I'm tired of always being the one to start a conversatioin.
I really can't believe that they want to hang out and talk to me--their actions certainly don't match their words.
I understand that the person in question MIGHT read this (or that "other person"), and if they do, I'm in deep, deep shit with them (well, more than I am already). But this is how I feel. I feel like they've lied to me repeatedly about things. Damnit, tell me the truth. If you don't want to hang out and talk, then tell me! Save me the time worrying and trying to salvage a friendship, and save yourself the time and being bugged by me.
I'm sorry, everyone...I've been a shithead for the past 6-7 weeks...I'm trying to make up for it...I'm trying to make amends and fix things...but all my efforts fall apart, and they're all for naught. I guess I'm still a nervous wreck.
The only reason I put that here was I needed to explode at something...and I'd prefer at a webpage rather than my roommates, or at any of my friends that I haven't lost. If I didn't get that out of my system, it would have bottled up, and it would have come out at the most inappropriate of moments (like that thing from Coupling, Chris, the giga--crap, can't remember). Also, if I didn't get it out, I'd just be bitter and wouldn't be able to get work done and I would worry about it.
Now I've got to get to class...take care, and stay safe.
Another thing. There's someone that I used to talk to alot...not much anymore. They insist that they want to hang out with me and talk to me.
Their actions do not follow what they said. First off, they NEVER hang out with me, whenever they're up here. They're always hanging out with someone else...doesn't give a call to see if I'd like to hang out, doesn't drop by to say hello...nothing--I only find out that they were up here after the fact..."Oh, I wish I could come up to Worcester more often to hang out"...yeah, say that to someone who will believe it, because I sure as hell don't. And on the rare chance I do see them, I really don't get to talk to them...probably get about 30 seconds of talking before this other person (same person, every time) joins in, and then I'm just cast to the side, forgotten. Thanks a lot...friends, eh?
And they say they want to talk to me...I don't really believe that anymore, either. I'm done...they never IM me to talk...its always me IMing them. If they really wanted to stay friends and talk, etc., how much effort does it take to open up an IM just to say hi? Not a whole damn lot. I'm tired of always being the one to start a conversatioin.
I really can't believe that they want to hang out and talk to me--their actions certainly don't match their words.
I understand that the person in question MIGHT read this (or that "other person"), and if they do, I'm in deep, deep shit with them (well, more than I am already). But this is how I feel. I feel like they've lied to me repeatedly about things. Damnit, tell me the truth. If you don't want to hang out and talk, then tell me! Save me the time worrying and trying to salvage a friendship, and save yourself the time and being bugged by me.
I'm sorry, everyone...I've been a shithead for the past 6-7 weeks...I'm trying to make up for it...I'm trying to make amends and fix things...but all my efforts fall apart, and they're all for naught. I guess I'm still a nervous wreck.
The only reason I put that here was I needed to explode at something...and I'd prefer at a webpage rather than my roommates, or at any of my friends that I haven't lost. If I didn't get that out of my system, it would have bottled up, and it would have come out at the most inappropriate of moments (like that thing from Coupling, Chris, the giga--crap, can't remember). Also, if I didn't get it out, I'd just be bitter and wouldn't be able to get work done and I would worry about it.
Now I've got to get to class...take care, and stay safe.
Thursday, December 04, 2003
Alright. Today wasn't terribly great. It wasn't bad, either.
Woke up (way too early). Went to Stress. Dropped off history paper. Ate food. Ate more food. Did homework. Wasted time.
Aye, life is going much better for me now, but I'm still not completely back to normal. The pain is gone, and so is the loneliness, for the most part. I'll still get anxiety attacks every so often. They're severe, yes, but don't last for long...the faster I get worked up, the faster I can go "screw this, why do you put yourself through this? This is stupid!", and then I recover.
Let me tell you, the lesson in this case was NOT worth the price I paid for it. I want to take the past 6 weeks back and relive them...so I wouldn't make those mistakes, fix everything up, make amends...but I can't. Unfortunately, it is part of life, that we can't go back and fix our errors. Losing friends is not easy.
I've been told that I shouldn't regret what happened in the past...easy to say, hard to do...
Do you think we're gonna make it? I don't know unless we try. We can sit here scared to move, or we can take them by surprise!
Anyways, at the chain mail making session tonight, I realized that I can't make it for the life of me. I guess I'll call it "modern art" and give it some freaky title. In French, to make it sound sophisticated and cultured, or something like that.
And now I'm back in my room. Trying to remember what the extra credit assignment for Stress was. Oh well.
I've been trying to clean up my language...working to some extent. If I'm going to express myself, I shouldn't need to curse and swear. Its ungentlemanly.
Now for a nap. Good night.
Woke up (way too early). Went to Stress. Dropped off history paper. Ate food. Ate more food. Did homework. Wasted time.
Aye, life is going much better for me now, but I'm still not completely back to normal. The pain is gone, and so is the loneliness, for the most part. I'll still get anxiety attacks every so often. They're severe, yes, but don't last for long...the faster I get worked up, the faster I can go "screw this, why do you put yourself through this? This is stupid!", and then I recover.
Let me tell you, the lesson in this case was NOT worth the price I paid for it. I want to take the past 6 weeks back and relive them...so I wouldn't make those mistakes, fix everything up, make amends...but I can't. Unfortunately, it is part of life, that we can't go back and fix our errors. Losing friends is not easy.
I've been told that I shouldn't regret what happened in the past...easy to say, hard to do...
Do you think we're gonna make it? I don't know unless we try. We can sit here scared to move, or we can take them by surprise!
Anyways, at the chain mail making session tonight, I realized that I can't make it for the life of me. I guess I'll call it "modern art" and give it some freaky title. In French, to make it sound sophisticated and cultured, or something like that.
And now I'm back in my room. Trying to remember what the extra credit assignment for Stress was. Oh well.
I've been trying to clean up my language...working to some extent. If I'm going to express myself, I shouldn't need to curse and swear. Its ungentlemanly.
Now for a nap. Good night.
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
Today was a GOOD day...other than the quiz this morning. Though I don't remember if we thought it was easy or not. Either way, quizzes = bad.
Went lifting today. I was quite surprised to see that I'm still in really good shape, despite not running or lifting for about a month. Spent about an hour there.
My warm up was running from my apartment to the weight room, in t-shirt and running shorts, in 16 degree (F) weather. Due to wind chill, it felt like 4 degrees (F) out.
My cool down was running back. Quite the chilly day, but not all that uncomfortable.
I did finish my history paper, and will hand that in tomorrow morning, after I get out of Stress Analysis. I hate how his office is on Dean St. All the way down the hill...blah...but hey, it could be worse, he could have been strict about it and said "no late work accepted"--which is what I was expecting. To be honest, the paper deserves to be marked a grade lower than what it would normally be received.
Now to go see what the hell my roommates are obsessing over.
Went lifting today. I was quite surprised to see that I'm still in really good shape, despite not running or lifting for about a month. Spent about an hour there.
My warm up was running from my apartment to the weight room, in t-shirt and running shorts, in 16 degree (F) weather. Due to wind chill, it felt like 4 degrees (F) out.
My cool down was running back. Quite the chilly day, but not all that uncomfortable.
I did finish my history paper, and will hand that in tomorrow morning, after I get out of Stress Analysis. I hate how his office is on Dean St. All the way down the hill...blah...but hey, it could be worse, he could have been strict about it and said "no late work accepted"--which is what I was expecting. To be honest, the paper deserves to be marked a grade lower than what it would normally be received.
Now to go see what the hell my roommates are obsessing over.
Good morning, everyone. Good news and bad news.
Feeling really good today. Going to try and hit the weight room with Russ today, depending on how our homework is coming.
Bad news: I had forgotten about the 5 page paper due yesterday in History because of Thanksgiving. I wasn't the only one. Talked to Prof. Hansen, and he let me set my own deadline (weird...), which is Thursday afternoon, though I'm currently writing it now, to try and pass it in by this afternoon, because he was so damned lenient and understanding about it. I really hate all the reading we have to do, but he's a really good professor, and a good guy all around.
Good news: has Stress Analysis quiz today...yeah, I know that would generally go under the "bad news", but it was something he went over in class yesterday, and I had remembered most of it. Couldn't remember the exact formula, but I was able to derive it to the point where the units worked out (wanted lbf/in^2, and got it!), which is generally a good sign. Found out afterwards that Russ had used the approximately the same equation (he didn't remember the exact one he used, but he said it looked like the one I had used). Either we're both right, or we're both retarded and stupid.
Going to finish up a couple more lines of the history paper then its off to go play pool.
Once Russ gets back from Hudson, we're going to make a Chopper run for meat and other perishable yet delicious foods.
AND THEN ITS OFF TO CONQUER THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!
Well, if not the world, France will suffice...check y'all later!
Feeling really good today. Going to try and hit the weight room with Russ today, depending on how our homework is coming.
Bad news: I had forgotten about the 5 page paper due yesterday in History because of Thanksgiving. I wasn't the only one. Talked to Prof. Hansen, and he let me set my own deadline (weird...), which is Thursday afternoon, though I'm currently writing it now, to try and pass it in by this afternoon, because he was so damned lenient and understanding about it. I really hate all the reading we have to do, but he's a really good professor, and a good guy all around.
Good news: has Stress Analysis quiz today...yeah, I know that would generally go under the "bad news", but it was something he went over in class yesterday, and I had remembered most of it. Couldn't remember the exact formula, but I was able to derive it to the point where the units worked out (wanted lbf/in^2, and got it!), which is generally a good sign. Found out afterwards that Russ had used the approximately the same equation (he didn't remember the exact one he used, but he said it looked like the one I had used). Either we're both right, or we're both retarded and stupid.
Going to finish up a couple more lines of the history paper then its off to go play pool.
Once Russ gets back from Hudson, we're going to make a Chopper run for meat and other perishable yet delicious foods.
AND THEN ITS OFF TO CONQUER THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!
Well, if not the world, France will suffice...check y'all later!
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
Hey folks...feeling better now...not a huge amount better, but a little.
The extra strength tylenol made the flu symptoms go away, but I still get nauseous on a regular basis.
Despite feeling physically better, there is still this huge void in me that won't be filled...a sharp pain that will not go away.
Today, I deleted someone from my buddy list. I had thought that they were my friend, but evidently they aren't. Well, not anymore, at least. It hurts to do something like that, but I had to do it sooner or later.
Let me explain why I deleted them. I don't mind IMing people, but if they can't be bothered to make the effort themselves sometimes, despite saying they will, etc., etc., then obviously they don't care to talk to me. Why should I talk to them?
It really hurt to delete them. Hopefully I'm wrong. I pray that I'm wrong.
But on to more pleasant thoughts, I've got to be at the campus center at 1800 hours, only to go over to the library to do some major research. Then its back here to write up a 5 page paper. Aye, at the end of that, it'll be time to go to sleep.
When will this stop? When will the work go away? When will I get my sanity back? When will I be whole again? How long until I am my old self?
BAH, THIS SUCKS.
The extra strength tylenol made the flu symptoms go away, but I still get nauseous on a regular basis.
Despite feeling physically better, there is still this huge void in me that won't be filled...a sharp pain that will not go away.
Today, I deleted someone from my buddy list. I had thought that they were my friend, but evidently they aren't. Well, not anymore, at least. It hurts to do something like that, but I had to do it sooner or later.
Let me explain why I deleted them. I don't mind IMing people, but if they can't be bothered to make the effort themselves sometimes, despite saying they will, etc., etc., then obviously they don't care to talk to me. Why should I talk to them?
It really hurt to delete them. Hopefully I'm wrong. I pray that I'm wrong.
But on to more pleasant thoughts, I've got to be at the campus center at 1800 hours, only to go over to the library to do some major research. Then its back here to write up a 5 page paper. Aye, at the end of that, it'll be time to go to sleep.
When will this stop? When will the work go away? When will I get my sanity back? When will I be whole again? How long until I am my old self?
BAH, THIS SUCKS.
Yay, my mood is so much better...or not.
Not only am I being retarded and feeling that way, I'm pretty sick, physically. Headache, muscle aches, dry/sore throat, lethargicism. I don't think I can eat too much. Now I feel really nauseous.
I would like this term to be over. For the people at WPI, I'll miss you, but I need a break. Some time away from it all, if you will. For the people back home: can't wait to see you guys again.
On the bright side of life...well...brightest side of life, currently (there is no true "bright side" for me, right now), is that I did alright on a quiz I knew very little about. Sure, a 5/10 isn't great, but hey, I'll take it!
Alright, time for me to take a shower and do some stress homework.
If I feel better tomorrow, I think I'll go out for a nice long, relaxed run.
Not only am I being retarded and feeling that way, I'm pretty sick, physically. Headache, muscle aches, dry/sore throat, lethargicism. I don't think I can eat too much. Now I feel really nauseous.
I would like this term to be over. For the people at WPI, I'll miss you, but I need a break. Some time away from it all, if you will. For the people back home: can't wait to see you guys again.
On the bright side of life...well...brightest side of life, currently (there is no true "bright side" for me, right now), is that I did alright on a quiz I knew very little about. Sure, a 5/10 isn't great, but hey, I'll take it!
Alright, time for me to take a shower and do some stress homework.
If I feel better tomorrow, I think I'll go out for a nice long, relaxed run.
Monday, December 01, 2003
Life hurts...there is a huge void inside of me that just won't be filled, no matter what I do. Nothing seems to go right. Nothing seems to go my way.
There's a deep pain in my soul that just won't go away.
WARNING: RANT!!! I'd rather type it here and get it out and feel better than sulk over it for days and be a jerk to everyone around me.
I've been doing some thinking. And I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Why am I inadequate? Am I just unlikeable? Is my first impression a shitty one? Am I ass-ugly? Too scrawny? Too abrasive? Unfunny? Am I an ass? Is it because people just don't see me having a future?
What the hell is it, that turns people off to me? I don't fucking know. It pisses me off, because everyone who knows me knows that I absolutely THRIVE on being with friends and people. They are my life. And without them, my life is meaningless and I'll have no reason to live. Why do I have trouble making new friends? Why can't I get a girlfriend? Why? I don't know. I wish I knew. Not that I'd be able to change it, but it'd be nice to know, so I can understand, rather than feel blown off and given the cold shoulder and be depressed over it.
I always fuck up. I don't know how or why. I get overexcited, fuck up, and end up destroying something good. Always, always, ALWAYS fuck shit up.
I just feel so...alone in this world. I can't shake it. Its like I'm the only person left alive.
Yes, I have excellent friends. I have friends I'd trust with my life, and I'd gladly give my life for them if ever needed. I'm NOT alone, and I know it...but I just feel it...
And I'm pissed at myself, because I'm the root of all my problems. I fucked up friendships, I've fucked up my grades, I've shattered my life. And now I'm stuck grabbing the shards, trying to glue them back together, and trying to make amends and repair the friendships I've obliterated.
I don't know why this came over me this evening...but it just did.
I hate to be trite, especially to my own self, but the old saying is true: Time heals all wounds.
I'll survive and move on, but my soul feels like its been thrown through a grinder, or has been given a good scrubbing with rough sandpaper, or been pincushioned by arrows.
Alright, now that I've gotten that out of me, I feel much better, and more capable of finishing my work that I have to do tonight. Rant is over. Thanks for listening. I know its hard to listen to me sometimes, but this time in my life isn't the greatest for me.
Je suis vraiment tres desole pour tout j'ai faites...
Edit: Some of the stuff isn't quite what I'm feeling like, but those words were the best way to describe it. Yay for life kicking me in the balls again.
There's a deep pain in my soul that just won't go away.
WARNING: RANT!!! I'd rather type it here and get it out and feel better than sulk over it for days and be a jerk to everyone around me.
I've been doing some thinking. And I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Why am I inadequate? Am I just unlikeable? Is my first impression a shitty one? Am I ass-ugly? Too scrawny? Too abrasive? Unfunny? Am I an ass? Is it because people just don't see me having a future?
What the hell is it, that turns people off to me? I don't fucking know. It pisses me off, because everyone who knows me knows that I absolutely THRIVE on being with friends and people. They are my life. And without them, my life is meaningless and I'll have no reason to live. Why do I have trouble making new friends? Why can't I get a girlfriend? Why? I don't know. I wish I knew. Not that I'd be able to change it, but it'd be nice to know, so I can understand, rather than feel blown off and given the cold shoulder and be depressed over it.
I always fuck up. I don't know how or why. I get overexcited, fuck up, and end up destroying something good. Always, always, ALWAYS fuck shit up.
I just feel so...alone in this world. I can't shake it. Its like I'm the only person left alive.
Yes, I have excellent friends. I have friends I'd trust with my life, and I'd gladly give my life for them if ever needed. I'm NOT alone, and I know it...but I just feel it...
And I'm pissed at myself, because I'm the root of all my problems. I fucked up friendships, I've fucked up my grades, I've shattered my life. And now I'm stuck grabbing the shards, trying to glue them back together, and trying to make amends and repair the friendships I've obliterated.
I don't know why this came over me this evening...but it just did.
I hate to be trite, especially to my own self, but the old saying is true: Time heals all wounds.
I'll survive and move on, but my soul feels like its been thrown through a grinder, or has been given a good scrubbing with rough sandpaper, or been pincushioned by arrows.
Alright, now that I've gotten that out of me, I feel much better, and more capable of finishing my work that I have to do tonight. Rant is over. Thanks for listening. I know its hard to listen to me sometimes, but this time in my life isn't the greatest for me.
Je suis vraiment tres desole pour tout j'ai faites...
Edit: Some of the stuff isn't quite what I'm feeling like, but those words were the best way to describe it. Yay for life kicking me in the balls again.