Posted 23:14 by Tycho

Life hurts...there is a huge void inside of me that just won't be filled, no matter what I do. Nothing seems to go right. Nothing seems to go my way.

There's a deep pain in my soul that just won't go away.

WARNING: RANT!!! I'd rather type it here and get it out and feel better than sulk over it for days and be a jerk to everyone around me.

I've been doing some thinking. And I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me. Why am I inadequate? Am I just unlikeable? Is my first impression a shitty one? Am I ass-ugly? Too scrawny? Too abrasive? Unfunny? Am I an ass? Is it because people just don't see me having a future?

What the hell is it, that turns people off to me? I don't fucking know. It pisses me off, because everyone who knows me knows that I absolutely THRIVE on being with friends and people. They are my life. And without them, my life is meaningless and I'll have no reason to live. Why do I have trouble making new friends? Why can't I get a girlfriend? Why? I don't know. I wish I knew. Not that I'd be able to change it, but it'd be nice to know, so I can understand, rather than feel blown off and given the cold shoulder and be depressed over it.

I always fuck up. I don't know how or why. I get overexcited, fuck up, and end up destroying something good. Always, always, ALWAYS fuck shit up.

I just feel so...alone in this world. I can't shake it. Its like I'm the only person left alive.

Yes, I have excellent friends. I have friends I'd trust with my life, and I'd gladly give my life for them if ever needed. I'm NOT alone, and I know it...but I just feel it...

And I'm pissed at myself, because I'm the root of all my problems. I fucked up friendships, I've fucked up my grades, I've shattered my life. And now I'm stuck grabbing the shards, trying to glue them back together, and trying to make amends and repair the friendships I've obliterated.

I don't know why this came over me this evening...but it just did.

I hate to be trite, especially to my own self, but the old saying is true: Time heals all wounds.

I'll survive and move on, but my soul feels like its been thrown through a grinder, or has been given a good scrubbing with rough sandpaper, or been pincushioned by arrows.


Alright, now that I've gotten that out of me, I feel much better, and more capable of finishing my work that I have to do tonight. Rant is over. Thanks for listening. I know its hard to listen to me sometimes, but this time in my life isn't the greatest for me.

Je suis vraiment tres desole pour tout j'ai faites...

Edit: Some of the stuff isn't quite what I'm feeling like, but those words were the best way to describe it. Yay for life kicking me in the balls again.