Posted 01:04 by Tycho

Merry Christmas...well, late that is.

It was a good one for me...got enough coal to keep fires burning for the rest of the winter, so I'll stay warm.

Ate so much food that I thought I would burst. Great times with my family, as well.

Today started off great. Ended on a very, very depressing note.

Get a call at 0930 hours (rudely awoken, I must add!) from Chris. So I grudgingly get my lazy ass out of bed and find out that we're going to go to Harvard Square today to go to stores and see what cool shit we can find. Ron comes onto the scene early (well, he said 45 minutes, but he was there in 25), and we had an amusing cell phone gig going on for a bit. Then my hands started to turn a bluish purple from the cold, and got slightly swollen (first signs of frostbite). Needless to say, that conversation was quickly ended and my hands shoved into my pockets, jerking madly to keep the blood flowing swiftly.

So we make it onto the train alright...and lo and behold, we have the dubious "pleasure" of sitting next to this fucking madman. He starts bitching at a young woman for no damned reason, and gets all in her face about some stupid little thing then tells her to go fuck off as she got off at her stop. What a fucking asshole.

Note: when on the T, you quickly learn to mind your own business. The last person who decided to help someone else received a bullet to the heart. Plus the guy was clearly mentally ill/challenged. You don't mess with people like that. He kept it to words. If he made any part of it physical, then we would have had an obligation to get involved. We may be cowards for not trying to make the guy stop being retarded, but we're live cowards, and the worst the woman got was the lingering memory of meeting that fucking asshole on the T.

We get to Newbury Comics...and I'm sort of bored...not much for me to do there...so I read a comic...and realized why I try and avoid that store as much as possible.

Then onto another store...I forget what it is. It was pretty cool. Had all these sci-fi and fantasy novels. Awesome place. Yes, I'm a geek. No need to rub it in. After that we went to Urban Outfitters...I have not yet seen a stranger retail venue...I mean, seriously, what the fuck?! Chris, I'm VERY glad that book wasn't one of those "flip out" ones...else you'd get some VERY strange stares...and that book about Revenge...it wasn't Revenge...just half naked women. And how the fuck were we not able to get that damned Atari to work?!? For goodness sakes we're ENGINEERS DAMNIT! Well, to our credit, we DID eventually get it to work...but then I realized just how much Atari's graphics SUCKED. I mean, I could draw better with my--never mind, enough of that thought.





[I was going to say "right hand", but I decided to add some suspense and mystery to it, and my knowledge that some of you have sick minds only aided me in my cause.]

Then we scrambled to Quincy Center and ate at that Indian place. Wicked awesome buffet. Definitely going back there someday. Then Chris had to go see ROTK again...lucky bastard. Meanwhile, Ron and I hitchhiked home, and he reinstalled Red Alert 2 on his computer, and we played an online campaign together...and got our asses handed to us on several occasions. Well, more than several. More like almost all the time. Then we both get frustrated, and leave.

This is where the night turns depressing. Not only am I frustrated at being completely retarded, but I'm about to absorb some major hurt. [Warning: Partial Rant ahead! If you got tired of me bitching for the past few weeks, read no further! This is your first, last, and ONLY warning!]

[Space Inserted so You Don't View Following Paragraphs by Accident]

[Tertiary Note: Alot of times I can't accurately put to words what I'm feeling, so please bear with me]

[Quarternary Note: Just here to prove that I know one step beyond tertiary.]


I'm extremely glad I wasn't informed of this on Christmas...would have ruined the special day I was having (no, I didn't get to ride on the short bus), and would have just destroyed me.

Josh and Jen are now officially going out...as of December 25, 2003. A late Christmas present for me, I guess. Ho ho...Merry fucking Christmas.

Yes, I know this makes me sound REALLY selfish and jealous. Everyone is selfish, and you're darned tootin' I'm jealous (and that scares me...I never felt this sort of jealousy before). They're both friends, and I'm happy that they are strengthening the relationship between them. I do mean that.

It just hurts a damn lot [did I also mention that I'm jealous?]

Now, its not like it blindsided me...for one, I've known from several different sources that they were planning on going out relatively soon. Its just that Jen is the most amazing woman I've had the honor, privilege, and pleasure of ever meeting. I won't type any of the details up, for I'm sure if you read my Blog, I've told you [in person]. Plus I'd probably have some waterworks from typing that, too. Might as well save myself some pride and dignity. And then there's the off-chance that Jen or Josh reads my Blog. Shit...if they do, I'm really fucked...

Ok, now to come clean. Since knowing this, I've done my very best to avoid contact with Jen. For the past week or so, I've made sure not to IM her, or e-mail her, what not. I can't say the past couple weeks, because I did call her and leave a message on her cell phone...but other than that, I've been flat out avoiding her. I need time to get over her, the pain, everything (just because I passed Stress doesn't mean its over with...its slowly going away). She says she wants me as a friend, and I believe her (finally...way to go, fucktard). Right now, I can't be her friend, much as I'd love to be. When I think of her, I think of her as more than a friend. She's not interested in me, so thats not going to happen. I need to get over that before I can be a true friend again. Bah, here we go with the waterworks...so much for saving my pride and dignity.

She's contacted me a couple times (surprisingly...not used to that anymore...we haven't really talked in a long time), and I'm kicking myself because I sort of blew her off each time...including Christmas (I wasn't such a fucktard not to say Merry Christmas and make some conversation, but, honestly, I didn't really want to start talking to her again...I wasn't ready to...I'm still not ready to). Way to show courtesy and kindness and general Holiday cheer, retard.

Not that her effort was wasted. Her going out of her way to contact me gave me hope that we can go back to being good friends, given time, once I'm ready.

The reason why I blew her off was this: if I don't get space, I won't be able to get over this. That's not fair to me because then I'm perpetually hurt, paranoid, anxious, etc. [I've had fucking ENOUGH of that shit...it's NOT fun]. It's not fair to her because I won't be just a friend, I'd be some annoying jerk who can't let things go. It's not fair to Josh because...well, how would you like it if you knew your friend really liked your girlfriend? I didn't ask her to not talk to me because thats just damned cold...friends don't do that to friends...and then there's that I really like talking to her, even if the conversation goes dead after a couple minutes.

I was going to e-mail her, but was advised against it, so I just sort of kept my mouth shut about all of this.

So yeah, Dec. 26th was a good day, and it also was a very painful day. Not sharp pain, but a longing pain, I guess you'd call it. Sometimes I feel I have the shittiest luck.

That reminds me, I feel sorta like dog poop [yes, poop is worse than shit]. I keep moping around every now and then, and say that I'm sorta depressed when someone asks me if everything is ok...but how the hell can I be depressed? Stress Analysis [fucking spawn of satan that it is] is over. I'm back home, literally surrounded by friends and family pretty much all time time. Why am I letting this girl get to me? Why can't I just not care? Why must I be so naive and not understand? There should be NO WAY that I can be depressed. I love my family and friends. They are my life. I'm currently surrounded by them (well, they're all sorta sleeping right now, but I felt the urge to Blog, else I'd be in that blissful state of ignorance and peace, as well). I'd continue to bitch and ask "Why this?" and "Why that?", but I just remembered that I have food in my stomach, a bed to sleep in, and a roof over my head. Something 90% of the world can't say. So I'll shut up now, and go to bed (finally!).

Merry Christmas...and a Merry fucking Dec. 26th to you, too.

Author's note: All the self deprecation is more of a side note rather than me actually being down on myself. Sort of like ending every compliment you give with a very sarcastic "Einstein". And all the swearing and cursing is because my Blog is my one place to bitch and moan [well, I do that anyways, nowadays, but thats how its supposed to work, in theory], so please pay it no mind.

Awesome, I've managed to turn yet ANOTHER Blog post into a whiny piece of bitching about my lack of a relationship. Wow...I think this is a record!

Time to listen to The Gauntlet, by the Dropkick Murphys. Lets see if that lifts my spirits.