Posted 13:28 by Tycho

Ugh. Life still sucks. Two days to go.

Alright. Here's been whats going on. Finished up Hoist Case Scenario #5...took a damn long time to do...hell, it had 115 variables involved. If I had had to do that by hand, I would have shot myself, or would have done serious bodily harm to myself, so I wouldn't be responsible for it.

Finally, some good stuff happening in my life. Friday sucked, I had nothing to do that night, except worry and worry and worry. Why did it suck? Well, it started off with waking up--big mistake right there. Then it went immediately into a Stress Quiz, another big no-no. My roommates didn't want to hang out with me because they had other crap to do. The best part of the night was hanging out with Ryan at Denny's, with the waitress that just didn't want us to leave.

Saturday wasn't much better, until at night. Russ and I were watching "Old School" downstairs, and all of a sudden, my cell phone rings, which surprised the hell out of me. That wasn't the only surprise--the second one was a very good one, and one that I appreciated alot.

If you called me on Saturday night, you'd know why I was surprised to see that you called me up to see what I was up to. I felt...whole again.

The next day was Josh's event. Pretty good overall, though one section of it went on for far too long, I think.

Monday...ah yes. Monday. Had a Stress quiz...woo-fucking-hoo. It sucked. Worded so poorly that people stared at it for 5-6 minutes before writing stuff down. I was lucky...I figured it out after about a minute...well, the procedure at least. The calculations are a completely different story.

That night, I had that dreaded talk with Josh and Jen...shit that was hard for me to do. Hell, I couldn't even look either them in the eye most of the time (well, most of the time I was trying not to let them see just how close I was to turning on the waterworks).

Honestly, I didn't talk to them about everything I had originally planned to...but I said enough, they can find the rest out later, in a while, when I can finally deal with everything as a package, and hand it to them in retrospect. Talking to them gave me hope.

All I have to do now is get over Jen. She's dating Josh now. And it kills. Whenever I talk to someone about my feelings for her (all of two people), they immediately say love...and my feelings do feel damned strong. I think about her alot. "A lot" = "all the time", actually. I can't get her off my mind no matter what I do.

I don't want to be attracted to her--I feel it interferes with us being friends alot, plus Josh is going out with her......

Knowing she's going out with another guy kills my soul. Absolutely throws it through the meat grinder. Over and over again. I wish she had given me a chance, to share our lives with each other. But no can do...she doesn't have the same sentiments for me as I do for her. It hurts me alot.

But losing her completely (ie. not even a friend) would hurt even more. So I sit here, thinking about her all day, knowing that, at least right now, I don't have a chance**.

**I hope she doesn't break up with Josh. It hurts like seven hells to see them going out, but I want her happy. And that is another reason I don't want to like her--then she doesn't have to be concerned with sending the wrong signals to me, or have to deal with me. But I can't control it.

But, no matter how much I don't want to be attracted to her, I still am, strongly. She's just amazing.

Life sucks still, but its suckiness is into the tolerable range now.

Ugh...I hope she doesn't read this post. I'd be terribly embarrassed. Well, maybe its better that she does. I don't know. I love you, Jen, and I'm sorry. For everything. I hope I haven't scared you...probably have :-(.

All I know is that in 2 days I'm heading back home to Quincy to relax, and try to recover from the Hell I've been going through the past 7 or 8 weeks. Shit, its going to be so damned good to see you guys again...