Posted 15:40 by Tycho

Yah. Went a day and a half without an anxiety attack (rather good)...and my streak ended just now, unfortunately...I had another one.

A bunch of people went to Medieval Manor yesterday, and I was told I was missed. It really brightened my day to know that people were thinking of me**.

What really struck me as very odd, though, was that how can I be missed, if I wasn't invited? Thats weird. (I had known about the trip, but I don't invite myself places)

Either way, I'm thankful for the sentiment and reassurance.

**Especially now. I sorta went COMPLETELY stark raving mad insane Saturday night and had a nervous breakdown...I felt like all my friends had abandoned me and was worried sick about everything. I felt completely alone in this world, and no one would give two shits if I lived or died, if I was doing well, or in pain. One person caught the ENTIRE brunt of what was going on that night. Thank you for staying up and listening to me. You have no idea how much that helped, God knows I needed it. I feel horrible, however, because I knew she had a stressful week of finals she had to study for. I appreciate the time you took out of your busy life to help me with mine.

Now, I've scheduled an appointment for tomorrow at 1:00 PM at West Street House (conselling center). I was humiliated and embarrassed to admit to myself that I am not able to do this by myself without external help (professional, help, that is, I've gotten plenty of help from my friends, which unfortunately had fallen on deaf ears :-( ). My goal: figure out what the hell is wrong with me. And get treated for it so I can be normal again.

I never thought that I might be mentally ill, but looking back on my thoughts, actions, and frequent and prolonged anxiety attacks and LONG periods of severe depression, there is something definitely wrong with me, mentally. Recognizing it is one step on the road to recovery. You don't know how embarrassing it is to admit this to yourself.

I should have made that decision a long time ago, and swallowed up the humiliation, and gone through with it. It would have prevented alot of problems. I wouldn't have moped around so much. I wouldn't have strained some friendships to the breaking point (repeatedly, I must add). I wouldn't have felt like the most worthless thing in the world. I wouldn't have imagined things might be better off had I been dead (no, I don't condone suicide, its the cowards way out, I'm in this for the long haul, but it doesn't mean I can't think about how things would be if I had suddenly died).

We'll see how the appointment goes. I hope that once I'm back to my normal old self again, everything could go back to the way it once was...I know it can't, its impossible for that to happen, people hold grudges, and people have memories. But I can and will hope. There is always hope, even in the worst of situations, even when it seems that hope itself has forsaken you. Hope is all I have left, and I'm not willing to give it up.

I'm sure all of you are sick of my ramblings and whinings. Sorry to put you through all that.

Back to today's events. I've got rather large amount of Stress homework to do (heh...stress)...not because there's alot of problems, but because the few problems that are assigned are almost impossible to solve (my roommate had been working on a single problem for about 3-4 hours and hadn't even scratched the surface...he said that he couldn't get anywhere, it was so hard). I'm thinking about blowing it off. I'm actually starting to feel a little better, and I'm not of the mind to stress out over stress (I made a funny!) and go back down into that shithole of mess I was (well, still am, just not feeling it right now).

But!!! There is GOOD NEWS!!! Fight practice is tonight!!! I can't wait to see everyone again! I really look forward to Monday nights every week. Pretty much my only chance during the week to completely forget all my cares and troubles and just relax!